I Don’t Actually Know Anything About “Stranger Things” Season 3, But Here’s My Cynical Attempt to Leech Clicks from People Who are Googling It Right Now

Hello, sweet search engine referral cash!

Keith A. Spencer
Jul 19, 2018 · 4 min read
Image for post
Image for post
I did a Google image search for “Stranger Things,” and this was one of the top results, so probably this is a still from the show, which the DMCA says is cool to use if we include the phrase “Image courtesy of Netflix.” (Image courtesy of Netflix.)

Everybody loves “Stranger Things,” the renowned Netflix series from the Duffer Brothers that stars some very fine child actors.

Did that first sentence sound convincing? I haven’t actually seen the show, but my boss told me that I had to write an article with a headline about season 3, which apparently hasn’t come out yet, but which a lot of people are going to be googling. In fact, I just googled it myself in order to figure out that the people who made “Stranger Things” are called the “Duffer Brothers.”

Cool! They must have a pretty good sibling relationship if they’re working together professionally now.

Anyway, here’s what we know about season three of the show:

— It’ll definitely be on Netflix. Like I said, I’m googling this myself for the first time, and… whoa! Looks like there’s a cute kid with some teeth missing who wears a hat. Alright then. I’d imagine he’ll be in the next season too, unless maybe his character died in one of the episodes. Like I said, I don’t rightly know because I’ve never seen the show, have no reliable sources, and am only piecing together this based on different google searches I’ve done over the past five minutes. Can you believe I went to J-school for this?

— You’ll be able to watch it from your computer. Do you have a Netflix account? That’s great, because you can watch Netflix shows from the comfort of your computer! If you have a fancy TV or one of those small boxes that goes under the TV that plays apps, you can probably watch it from there, too. These are the kind of vague, space-filling phrases that will convince the complicated algorithms that these search engines employ that this is a “real” article and not a cynical cash-grab that adds absolutely nothing of value to the larger news narrative about “Stranger Things.”

— There’s a bald girl in the show at some point, so she’ll be back. Or not. Frankly speaking, I don’t have any verifiable information regarding her character. Looks like the actor’s name is Millie Bobby Brown, which sounds kinda like a good name for the lead singer of a 1980s hair band.

— Season Three of “Stranger Things” will be set in the fictional small town of Hawkins, Indiana. Yup, folks, we’re back in Hawkins, Indiana once again! I mean, presuming we were there in the previous two seasons. Like I said, I don’t really know. I might be embarrassing myself right now — in which case, just leave an angry comment below and I’ll edit this and change it to be accurate, then delete your comment, and no one will be the wiser.

— Indeed, all your favorite child stars from Stranger Things are back in Season 3 for more misadventures. That’s right, these lovable scamps are back for more mischief.

Are those adjectives accurate when it comes to describing them? To be honest, I’m not sure if this is some kind of “Goonies”-esque escapade or more in the horror genre. I should probably have watched the show first, but my boss makes me pound out ten of these articles a day, and if you think I’m gonna watch 20 hours of television for an article I’m supposed to do in half an hour, I’ll sell you my worthless Ivy League journalism degree for a nickel.

— Remember all the strange things that happened in the previous seasons? More strange things are coming in season three of Stranger Things! Can I file this and go home yet? It’s becoming increasingly apparent that I don’t really know anything about this show, and I’m stretching myself to reach the 800 word quota.

— TK TK I don’t think anyone will notice I didn’t even fill out this subhed I’m gonna be real with you, I have a master’s degree from Columbia and did internships at Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal, and came out the other end doing nothing but writing cynical click-bait articles that all have a quota for search terms in order to make this site the most money. I was trained to do investigative journalism and literally haven’t done any reporting for six months. I just take search phrases and write speculative articles using the most possible search keywords that won’t get us automatically flagged by Google. Somehow that makes our investors make boatloads of money while I get paid barely above minimum wage. I’m frankly ashamed to put my byline on this rehashed human centipede of an article.

— After doing some of my own googling, I honestly don’t think anyone actually knows anything about season three of “Stranger Things” yet. But thanks for clicking on this article so that my boss won’t fire me for at least one more day.

Slackjaw

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Keith A. Spencer

Written by

Senior Editor, Salon.com. Previously Editor-in-Chief of The Bold Italic. “A People’s History of Silicon Valley” is out now: https://bit.ly/2vIe6fG

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Keith A. Spencer

Written by

Senior Editor, Salon.com. Previously Editor-in-Chief of The Bold Italic. “A People’s History of Silicon Valley” is out now: https://bit.ly/2vIe6fG

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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