I Don’t Need A Boyfriend! I Have A Menstrual Cup
A case for why it won’t disappoint me like a man would.
I may be currently single, but I have absolutely no interest in dating. Why would I want a boyfriend when I have a menstrual cup?
My menstrual cup is zero waste. A boyfriend generates about 1700 pounds of trash per year.
My menstrual cup came with its own cute little cloth baggie, so I know it values presentation. A boyfriend thinks a mattress on the floor and unframed Gustav Klimt poster is “an aesthetic.”
I can exercise and swim with my menstrual cup, no problem. It won’t judge me for not being able to do a pull-up, like a boyfriend does. My menstrual cup understands that women naturally have 40 percent less upper body muscle mass than men. Plus, it would never mutter “Women have testosterone too, you know” under its breath (because it can’t talk).
Most importantly, my menstrual cup is always there for me when I need it; it’s reliable. Boyfriends are not. They constantly bail on plans because they have to work late with Lexi, but Lexi is always using too many emojis and saying she’s going to take a shower, which is like, super suspicious. She wants you to picture her naked!
Speaking of hygiene, all my menstrual cup needs for cleaning is soap and water. When a boyfriend only uses Suave 3-in-1 and water, it’s an infuriating reminder of how warped societal beauty standards are. It’s so unfair that he can just roll out of bed already looking gorgeous, his hair adorably tousled… But I could put a wig on my menstrual cup and get the same effect.
After each cycle, it’s recommended to boil a menstrual cup to sanitize it. When boyfriends are in hot water they get all defensive and suddenly I’m the one who “has serious codependency issues and needs to stop reading other people’s texts??”
Much like boyfriends, menstrual cups come in all different sizes. Except a cup isn’t going to lie about its height.
By using a menstrual cup, I’m reducing my carbon footprint by approximately 5.3 kilograms per year and positively contributing to the fight against climate change. If I had a boyfriend, I’d be endangering the planet every time I drove to his place because he refuses to come to mine.
I can sleep through the night with my menstrual cup and not feel it at all. Boyfriends interrupt a good night’s sleep with their snoring and sweating and wanting to cuddle, which, now that I’m thinking about it, is actually pretty great. But I don’t need him. Pop a menstrual cup in the microwave to mimic human body heat, cuddle with it, and I can barely tell the difference.
With my menstrual cup, I can save up to $300 per year compared to tampons and pads. A boyfriend costs way more than that between birthday, anniversary, and Valentine’s Day gifts that he’ll never remember to get me in return, even when I explain that gifts are my love language, but he won’t take the quiz I sent him because his love language is “Spanish.”
My menstrual cup stays out of sight in public, which is great. But when a boyfriend is out of sight, he could be anywhere, probably having hot shower sex with Lexi.
It’s a common misconception that a menstrual cup will smell bad. It won’t. You know what does? Yep, a boyfriend. That Suave 3-in-1 barely masks his body odor. Which sometimes smells weirdly amazing, but that’s probably just pheromones. It’s not like I’m pining over him or anything. Actually, he kind of smelled like pine. I’ll just rub my menstrual cup on a car air freshener, same thing.
My menstrual cup can stay in for up to twelve hours. If a boyfriend can do that, contact your doctor.
