I Don’t Watch TV Because I’m Too Busy Sacrificing Oysters to Poseidon

I don’t know about you, but I don’t watch TV anymore. Why should I when I’m too busy with more intellectual pursuits, like sacrificing oysters to Poseidon.

It should then be of no surprise that ever since I stopped watching TV, I’ve become undeniably more cultured.

As much as I enjoyed laughing my chaps off to episodes of Dance Moms, TV had become a huge time sink, ultimately preventing me from pursuing 3,000-year-old ancient hobbies that I can brag about when you ask what I do instead of watching TV. I hate to rub it in your face, but my TV-less life is awesome, and consists of apprenticing under a shaman, sacrificing oysters to Poseidon (obvs), and watching my neighbors have sex from the comfort of my chair that I spent seven months chiseling out from a slab of granite using nothing but my patience and a mastodon’s tusk. It’s a more artisanal experience than watching sex on TV, which I totally don’t do, thank Zeus.

Since I’m now more cosmopolitan than all those TV-watching pagans, I’ve taken up hieroglyphic letter writing as a new passion, which — fun fact! — happened to be a personal hobby of the late Pharaoh Ramses II.

I’ve yet to find a pen pal, but it’s only a matter of time before I meet someone as cultured as me on Craigslist who understands ancient Egyptian and will accompany me on trips to Cairo to replenish my supply of papyrus sourced from the tomb of King Tut. Sure, you’re probably skeptical of the utility of Egyptian hieroglyphics in the 21st century, but that’s just the cultural ignorance in you talking, a handicap you’ve unfortunately accumulated from watching TV. Look, maybe it’s finally time to stop binge-watching The Great British Baking Show and instead start doing something more meaningful with your life, like sacrificing goats to Amun-Ra.

After giving up TV, I now have time to focus on alchemy, a hobby nobody has had since 12th century medieval Europe.

Does pursuing a 800-year-old pseudo-science in lieu of watching TV make me a better person than you? Absolutely. If you’re interested, I can introduce you to Hans, my personal alchemist. He’s been dead since 1147 A.D., but imagination is a powerful tool, which is something you can’t use when you’re anxiously left wondering whether Janice and Randy will go with the beach house or secluded ranch in Season 119 of House Hunters.

That said, may I please join your Game of Thrones watch party?


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