I Fully Support Unions, Just Not For My Oompa Loompa Workforce
FROM: William Wonka, CEO and sole shareholder of Willy Wonka Chocolate and Confectionery Foodstuff, Incorporated
TO: All Oompa Loompa staff
RE: Recent unionizing efforts
An inside source has informed me that some staff members are exploring the formation of a labor union here at the Willy Wonka chocolate factory. As a longtime Democratic donor and vocal champion of progressive issues, I know full well that strong unions built the great American middle class. I love unions as much as I love candies and terrifying boat rides. I just don’t believe a union would be appropriate at our company, for our Oompa Loompa workforce.
None of the usual reasons for forming a union are relevant here at Willy Wonka, particularly in light of our longstanding corporate principles of transparency, mutual respect, and performing choreographed music when bad things happen to children. Let’s tackle each reason in turn:
- Your compensation today is well above market, if we define the market only as comparable workplaces in your native pre-industrial Loompaland. Why would you hand over much of your salary to greedy union bigwigs who serve as nothing more than glorified bean counters? (Literal bean counters, since we pay you exclusively in cocoa beans.)
- Our working conditions are already best-in-class. Inside the safe bubble of our entirely window-less and exit-less factory, you are protected from your natural predators of Wangdoodles, Hornswogglers, Snozzwangers, and rotten Vermicious Knids. The only publicly-disclosed workplace accidents in recent memory happened to reckless outsiders, and no member of our fine Oompa Loompa team exhibits any of their reprehensible attributes of brattiness, childhood obesity, and loving gum and/or television. Since those lawsuits were settled with no admission of guilt from the company, we must conclude that the courts agree: our factory is already perfectly safe.
- A union will not be necessary to negotiate severance packages, as there have never been layoffs of Oompa Loompas in the history of this firm. I swear on my secret Gobstopper recipe that I will never lay off any employees, namely because all of you are technically not “employees” and instead sit in a legal gray area between indentured laborers and outright slaves. (I know, this whole situation is deeply problematic to modern eyes, but what can you do about it at this poi — oh right, the unionizing effort, let’s get back to that.)
- At the risk of self-aggrandizement, I’m certain you recognize your boss as a very stable genius against whom special protections are not warranted. After all, every living Oompa Loompa has voluntarily signed both a non-disparagement clause and a sworn affidavit affirming you’ve never witnessed me behave erratically (including but not limited to screaming at the elderly, faking a disability, or dropping a bunch of acid while captaining a boat). And our corporate succession planning process has identified your next CEO, someone who will be a similarly steady executive: Charlie Bucket, a local child whose professional accomplishments so far include 1) randomly finding a golden lottery ticket, and 2) completing a factory tour without grievously injuring himself.
I want to reiterate that I have always supported worker unions for all kinds of factories — auto, steel, non-confectionery foodstuff, magical non-foodstuff — and I am thus very well-qualified to identify situations where forming a union would a good idea. For this factory, it just so happens to be a terrible idea. If you do not abandon your organizing efforts, please remember that I have an inside source who can provide me updates on your every move.
On an unrelated note, you may have noticed a new addition to our team last week, the Oompa Loompa who’s taller than all of you and bears a passing resemblance to Mr. Slugworth. I know I can count on you to welcome him warmly into the Willy Wonka worker family.
