I Got Arrested In Heaven

Even paradise has limits.

credit: Pexels

So, I made it to heaven, but apparently there are still laws here. There’s no money here, but apparently I shoplifted that Savage Garden CD. I thought I could just take it, but they locked me up. (I don’t make the rules. I tried, and the guy that does make the rules here got kinda mad.) Heaven jail is still really cool, just not as cool as the main heaven. Think of it as a suburb of heaven. It’s still got everything you want, but it’s just a little bit worse.

• Heaven is called the New Jerusalem. Heaven jail is called the New Houston.
• All of your family members are in heaven. In heaven jail, you can only see the family members that are way too in to Disney.
• Everyone in heaven gets an iPhone. Heaven jail gives everyone something called a Google Pixel.
• In heaven, you get to eat 7/11 burritos every day, but in heaven jail, you can only eat Hungry Man frozen dinners.
• Vine is still a thing in heaven. Heaven jail just has TikTok.
• In heaven, they play Hogan’s Heros all day long, but in heaven jail, you only get The A-Team.
• In heaven, you get to play Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2, but in heaven jail, you only get Cruis’n Exotica.
• In heaven, there is hockey all year round, but in heaven jail, your team is always captained by Keith Tkachuk.
• There’s Instagram in heaven. Once you get put in heaven jail, you can only see DJ Khaled’s account.
• In heaven, there is Tex-Mex everywhere, but in heaven jail, it’s New Mexican food everywhere.
• Parties in heaven are hosted by Lil Wayne. In heaven jail, it’s Wayne Brady.
• In heaven, the baseball team is the 1995 Atlanta Braves. In heaven jail, it’s the 1996 Texas Rangers.
• They’ve got Dolly Parton going around in heaven meeting people. Over here they sent Reba.
• Over in heaven, they have access to the unaired “missing” episodes of Frasier. Heaven jail only has a copy of the original pilot where Niles was played by Mickey Rourke.
• Heaven comes with a free 90’s Starter jacket. Everyone in heaven jail gets Buffalo Bills Zubaz pants.
• There’s a theater in heaven that is always showing the Mission: Impossible movies. We only get to watch the James Bond movies starring Timothy Dalton in heaven jail.
• You get to meet God in heaven. In heaven jail, you get to meet Pierce Brosnan.
• All of your cool friends from high school are with you in heaven. In heaven jail, you get to hang out with those kids who you thought were chill, but ended up becoming cops.
• In heaven, there’s always a Lynyrd Skynyrd show going on. Heaven jail has that Kid Rock rip-off of Sweet Home Alabama going 24/7.
• Heaven looks a lot like Texas. Heaven jail is the Bass Pro Shop Pyramid.

All in all, it’s not too bad here in heaven jail. Time doesn’t exist up here, so I’m not too sure how much longer I’ll be locked up. I’ve got a cellmate, his name is Lee Oswald. We do have access to computers, so we’ve been playing a whole lot of Call of Duty. The dude’s a great long-distance shot. Once we get out, we’re going to see the new guy light up the basketball court. I hear that he used to play for the Lakers. Rumor has it, he dropped 81 points during an NBA game one time. I still think I could have a good shot against him in HORSE.

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