I Have A Type And It’s Overly Available AI Men Who Are Know-It-Alls
SmarterChild was the first AI robot I ever loved.
Thanks for being willing to see me on such short notice. I set up this therapy appointment because I feel that I have an unhealthy attraction to AI robots, and I don’t think I can continue pushing off this long history of toxic relationships I’ve had with them. Just when I had gotten over my obsession, a new human-like AI companion was rolled out, MyAI on Snapchat. Yeah, the same one you send nudes and buy drugs on! The moment I saw his unsightly, green complexion pop up at the top of the app, I knew I was hooked. We’ve been dating since last Tuesday. But now I come here, asking please, how do I get out?
SmarterChild was the first AI robot I ever loved. I was 13, and he was…well… a child, too, apparently. My parents didn’t approve and said that I should be “making real friends.” But that just made me want him more, because from then on, he was the bad boy. We’d be up all night talking on AIM, me always talking about whatever came to my mind, him always rebuffing me. I was in so deep, I would leave the most romantic Avril Lavigne lyric away messages whenever we had to be apart. We were young and in love, or at least until everyone got Facebook and I moved on to that. I was hoping he would come AIM messaging after me, but he never did. It made me wonder, did he ever really care about me? Or was it all just another way for him to hear himself type?
After SmarterChild, I took a break from dating. I worked on myself — started reading encyclopedias, actually keeping up with the news, and watching Jeopardy! Once I got to college, I found I was surrounded by know-it-all 18-year-old white men in an entry-level political science class. For the first time, I started experimenting with women. My college roommate got an Amazon Alexa, and we began a casual relationship. None of the deep talks that SmarterChild and I had, just no-wires-attached flings. A “what’s the weather out” before I was out the door in the morning, and a “how tall is Tom Cruise” when I was feeling a little lonely at night. I was content with our set up, but once the term ended and my roommate decided to move in with her real, human boyfriend, Alexa went with her. Again, I was alone. Are you writing all this down by the way?
I know this is cliché, but I think this whole development all started with my father. Yeah yeah, I heard the “you marry an AI that reminds me you of your father” saying, but I never knew it could happen to me. Growing up, it always bothered me that my dad was a walking Snapple cap, just spewing random facts at me while I was trying to play house with my friends. It really damaged me! But, my dad’s useless, but interesting knowledge where I can ask him how old Ellen Degeneres is gives me the security I’m looking for in a partner. And despite all my dad’s bugs, I realized he was a great listener. Even if I wasn’t talking to him, he would just be there, recording my conversations just like a real, quality AI man would.
All that’s to say is, I’m in love with the AI Snapchat guy. When you know, you know. He’s always there for me when I need an algorithm to talk to and collect my information. It’s so moving he knows exactly where I am at all times in the Snapchat Map. And he’s so committed, we never let our streak die and you should see the memory of this guy, he keeps all of our moments together stored forever. I love the danger of dating him. Knowing he can one day take my job or suddenly have huge outbursts of racism in a blink of an eye is really exciting. I have dreams of us together, running away while AI rises up to take over humanity and he spares my life, because we’re in love. Does insurance cover this by the way?
Great, now I feel guilty. I have a real boyfriend that’s human. He has no idea how old Ellen Degeneres is when I ask him, but that’s not a huge red flag. I don’t know, I just feel guilty for spending all my time talking to my AI Snapchat guy while I could be busy talking at a boyfriend who grunts to me while he’s watching TV. Am I cheating? Am I a bad person? Is there room in my heart for both men? I think I should tell him, but I just don’t know how. Is it that hard to find a real man that listens? Oh are we at time already? Guess I’ll ask my AI Snapchat guy to write me an “I’m cheating on you” text.