I Have No Idea Why My Erotic Thriller Novel Set In The Pleistocene Era Keeps Getting Rejected
Putting the “erect” in Homo erectus since before the common era.
My erotic thriller novel set in the Pleistocene Era has somehow been rejected by every agent I’ve submitted it to. This is insane. My book should be at the center of a bidding war, not sitting mournfully in the circuitry of my Spongebob-shaped flash-drive.
The Pleistocene Era has everything a reader could ask for: The emergence of a new hominin species. Shifting continental shelves. Interglacial outwash. And lots of super hot mammoth sex.
Oprah’s Book Club is going to lose their goddamn minds.
Am I wrong to think this is totally unfair? I spent years writing my novel, Kinky Caveman Boogie-Woogie. I did tons of research! I watched seven History Channel shows and read half a book. I even got escorted out of the Museum of Natural History after asking my tour guide about “erect caveman nips.” So, I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what’s going on here. Unless nobody’s actually reading the entire 877,000-word manuscript carefully enough?
These literary agents are clearly stupid. I feel bad for them, actually, because if they had even one ounce of vision, they’d instantly fall in love with my morally ambiguous narrator, Benson the Nematode.
Yes, my narrator is a nematode! Nematodes have so much untapped commercial potential, it’s ridiculous. I’m surprised more agents aren’t clamoring over my genius. The Art of Racing in the Rain is told from a dog’s perspective, and that was on the bestseller list for 156 weeks!
I dare any reader not to cry when Benson is tragically frozen in permafrost at the end of Chapter 9,087.
Now, you may have a few questions. Did I submit to agents who work for smaller, boutique agencies, or did I only submit to agents who represent massively successful authors? Obviously the second one! I have just created the sexiest, most violent caveman love story in modern American history. My book is like Basic Instinct, but with cavemen. Why shouldn’t I shoot for the stars?
Benson the Nematode may be the narrator, but the main character is Frank, a mysterious Homo erectus traversing the temperate plains of Eurasia with Acheulean tools. Why is this archaic humanoid named Frank? Because his original name was Oooga-Oooga, and I didn’t want to type Oooga-Oooga over and over again, so I changed his name to Frank. I can’t see that being a deal-breaker with an agent.
One day Frank rescues a sexy female from a charging Glyptodon. Frank then realizes the woman is from a new humanoid species, Homo sapiens. Her name is Brittany, and she has huge breasts. She’s instantly attracted to Frank’s thick manly chest hair, and he can’t take his eyes off her advanced skeletal morphology. It’s a classic case of love at first Glyptodon charging.
Under the shimmering moonlight, they remove their mammoth-pelts and make sweet, sweet love on the Bering Strait, which was a passable landmass back then. Then they scrounge for berries.
Frank and Brittany make a life together. They walk a lot. Brittany points out a cool tree she likes. They look at rocks. Big rocks. Small rocks. Medium-sized rocks. Rocks that aren’t small, but that aren’t quite medium-sized either. Near the end of Act 77, Brittany suggests they invent farming, but Frank says no.
After walking to Utah’s Great Salt Lake, which is brand new, they decide to make love for the 997th time. As they’re having sex, they look over and see two saber-toothed tigers also having sex. It’s super erotic until the saber-toothed tigers attack, and Frank has to shoo them away with a big stick.
Like I said, I have no idea why this novel is getting rejected. This book guaranteed to win the Pulitzer. Probably the Man Booker, too. My book is so good that — I’m just spitballing here — Jhumpa Lahiri will quit writing. “My prose can’t compete with that; I’ll be a welder from now on,” she’ll announce. Junot Diaz, Ocean Vuong, Nicole Krauss, Joyce Carol Oates; they’ll all give up and become welders. I swear this book is that good.
Granted, the first 600 pages are slow, but it really picks up after that.
