Today I found out a devastating secret about my partner. Some men have a diaper fetish, some are literal serial killers, and some are Sagittariuses, but I found out that my boyfriend is a flat earther. I ended it immediately, of course, via text. But it left me thinking: how could my third eye have been so blind?
I consulted my psychic. She said: “My child, you have not been consulting your crystals. Your chakras are clogged and that has made you blind to idiocy.” She was right. I’d let my romantic side get the better of me. Logically, the flat earth theory is literally insane. When the earth goddess Gaia was born she was curvy, not flat. How could flat earthers ever think that such a feminine spirit would be flat?
How had my boyfriend and I never talked about the earth being round before? I thought it was a no brainer. Every soul on this round earth thinks the earth is round. Truthfully, there were some hints I should’ve picked up on. But I thought that since he was Aquarius rising, he was just a dreamer. For example, one time we were on an airplane, and he was studying the horizon, and he just sat there saying “There’s no way” over and over again. I asked him what he meant. He chuckled. “Nothing,” he said. I brought this mystery up with my psychic. She prescribed me quartz for the stress.
One time I said I wanted to go to Europe, and my boyfriend said he was afraid I was going to fall off the edge of the earth. I thought he meant spiritually. We ended up going to Reno, Nevada.
Also, there was that time he threw a tennis ball and thought it disappeared into space. When we were stargazing that night, I pointed out Capricorn, my sign, and Cancer, his. We joked about how there was an extra star in the sky thanks to that tennis ball.
All the evidence was there. The energy between us had always been more blue than orange, but hey, I loved him. Maybe even still do. But I can’t be with someone whose views are so unscientific. I, for one, have always been very connected to the earth through crystals, so I know for a fact the earth is round. But those are the very same crystals that made me so sure I’d found the love of my life.
I have to move on with my life. But how? How do I know that the next man I meet isn’t a flat earther, or a 9/11 truther, or worse… a Pisces sun, Aquarius moon, or Gemini rising? Those men are never in touch with their chakras. So I’ve been trying to gather my chi to attract someone with similar sensibilities to mine. Maybe a Virgo or a Taurus. Someone I can trust not to be so crazy. I’ve even gone so far as to practice a few spells I saw on Google to manifest someone safer. Eye of newt, penis of Guinea Pig, and blood of an eel will give me my perfect man by aligning my inner chi and making me irresistible. I will, of course, continue to see my psychic, naturopath, and spirit guide to avoid these problems in the future. And someday, maybe I’ll find a soulmate who isn’t totally crazy.