I Like My Men Like I Like My …

Riane Konc
Jun 17 · 3 min read
Photo by Alex on Unsplash

I like my men like I like my seasonal depression: year-round.

I like my men like I like my grandma: somehow always packing a $2 bill.

I like my men like I like the letter Y: literary, curious, comes at the end of When Harry Met Sally.

I like my men like I like my surrendering armies: no red flags.

I like my men like I like my favorite Jeopardy! clues: potent, potable.

I like my men like I like my IKEA trips: knows to go straight to the downstairs, but never on Saturdays.

I like my men like I like my flies: big eyes, always rubbing his hands together, tiny poops.

I like my men like I like my friend who for some reason mispronounces the word “it” as “it’s”: always saying it like it is.

I like my men like I like my dogs: big enough to scare off the bad guys, but small enough that I can dress him up in fun little sweaters.

I like my men like I like Madonna’s ex-husband trying out comedy: a stand-up Guy.

I like my men like I like my owls: wise, wearing glasses, graduated college.

I like my men like I like my crayons: bright, colorful, smells like crayons.

I like my men like I like my gossamer threads: fine.

I like my men like I like my favorite lifestyle magazines: real simple

I like my men like I like Pi: boring until you add E.

I like my men like I like my free local newspaper: soaking wet, sitting on my lawn, knows where the best deals on milk are.

I like my men like I like my favorite 1984 film, The Neverending Story: accompanied by big fluffy dogs, deep feelings about horses, and also I refuse to think about how the passage of time might affect my enjoyment of either.

I like my men like I like my adults whose favorite book is To Kill a Mockingbird: sweet, earnest, hasn’t actually read a thing since high school.

I like my men like I like my lamps: bright, warm, standing silently in the corner until needed.

I like my men like I like my Instagram boyfriends: implied.

I like my men like I like any novel written by a man: guilty pleasures.

I like my men like I like my 36 browser tabs: open.

I like my men like I like my favorite college bands: only until everyone else likes them, too.

I like my men like I like the universal experience with email mailing lists: consistent, reliable, swears he didn’t sign up for this.

I like my men like I like my groceries: fresh, tasty, wearing a bag.

I like my men like I like the age recommendations on my puzzles: for 2–4 years.

I like my men like I like my women: that’s it, that’s the end of the joke.

I like my men like I like my Oxford commas: of debatable necessity.

I like my men like I like my Priuses: eco-friendly and completely silent under 5 MPH.

I like my men like I like my S.A.D. lamp: primarily just to get me through the winter.

I like my men like I like my watermelons: hard on the outside, soft on the inside, easy to fling in a catapult.

I like my men like I like my cats: furry, has whiskers, is a cat.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Riane Konc

Written by

Jokes in the New Yorker, the NYT, McSweeney’s, and more. Order my satirical holiday book, BUILD YOUR OWN CHRISTMAS MOVIE ROMANCE, today. More: www.rianekonc.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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