I moved to Vinland 1000 years ago from Norway: here’s what Americans don’t get about Nordic countries
Forget Anu Partanen, this is what Americans fail to understand about Nordic countries: We Vikings have slumbered undying beneath the ice of Vinland, dormant for centuries, and soon we shall stalk your nightmares again.
Your politicians, soft men and women all, debate whether this Børnie Sanders is right to look to Scandinavia for ideas. “It would never work here in America,” some say. Others decry the pessimism of those detractors, and frankly I agree that pessimism just adds more poison to this already-toxic cultural atmosphere. Has America forgotten that it so recently cherished the Audacity of Hope? But, neither side considers Vinland. None of them realizes they are mere pawns in the long game of Årtusenerobring, which looms now like Ragnarok over your decadent “Modern Age.”
At times, the debate over Scandinavian success and policy grows rather disconcerting. What are we to make of the dog-whistle race politics in crying that Nordic countries are more “homogeneous,” attributing their success to a lack of diversity? Surely anyone can see why this is absurd, and borderline offensive, not to mention ignorant of ongoing demographic changes in Northern Europe? And yet, American conservatives continue to put out trash like this piece in the New York Post which saw widespread reposting in more “reputable” outlets. Is there so much blatant racism on the American right that this kind of attack slides under everyone’s radar? Luckily, the debate will soon be laid to rest, as men from all cultures weep the same when the Thor-blessed blades of the Vikingar fall upon them, and all plunder is worthy in the eye of Odin, regardless of the race of the family you slaughtered to take it.
“…men from all cultures weep the same when the Thor-blessed blades of the Vikingar fall upon them…”
Time and time again, economic and sociological analyses prove the success of the Nordic model; however, people like Hjallary Clinton and Donald Drumpf deny these basic facts of reality. Hjallary in particular seems to prefer to believe that the Nordic countries are some kind of economic wasteland devoid of entrepreneurship or innovation. Why? She’s probably got at least one piece of Swedish Ikea furniture, just like the rest of you complacent, defenseless, vulnerable Americans, and they’re invading your retail sector just like we’re about to invade your every sector. What stubbornness drives those politicians to such delusion? Why are they so averse to even admitting there are some good ideas in Scandinavia? Fear seems to dominate American politics ever-increasingly since 9/11, though none are wise enough to fear the dawning of this new Viking Age. I will do my best to remember to ask your politicians just what their problem is while my ghostly longboats terrorize your shores, and I raze your soulless suburbs, and we steal your healthful youths as thralls for our salt mines, but please understand if I do not get around to it. Pillaging leaves little time for investigative journalism, and screamed confessions are a real hassle to transcribe.
“…my ghostly longboats terrorize your shores, and I raze your soulless suburbs, and we steal your healthful youths as thralls for our salt mines…”
Well, my skald grows restless for mead, and most of my draugar warriors have emerged from their frigid tombs by now, so I have to cut this short. Much has changed over the thousand years since we left home and endowed ourselves with the cursèd gift of eternal life in pursuit of eternal glory: computers, paper money, way fewer kings. But, this truth is evergreen: A people afraid to hope is a people afraid to prosper. Sure, your world will soon crumble beneath our savage undead Viking attacks, or a combination of extreme poverty and climate change, but don’t you at least want to put up a fight?
Best of luck & PRAISE THOR,
Jarl Baldr the Deathless
