I Picked a Bad Name for My Website That Only Sells Fans
I knew we should never have taken our store online. This is all my son’s fault.
I knew we should never have taken our store online. This is all my son’s fault.
I used to run a respectable business. For 80 years, Jan’s Fans has been the premiere antique fan emporium of western New Hampshire. When my grandmother started, the store simply sold Victorian fans from our old family estate. In their time, they would have been considered simple, but by the 1940’s they were a reminder of craftsmanship long past: tortoiseshell and horn, adorned in beautiful silk leaf, filigree, or lace. As time went on, we added Japanese brisé fans, Parisian cockade fans, even the oversized feathery fans used in burlesque acts. I thought that was as low as we’d ever stoop.
How wrong I was. Shame on you, Zack, for convincing me this was a good idea.
My store proudly and exclusively has sold fans. Fans, fans, and nothing but. Oh, we’ve had the occasional outlier. We’ve sold giant palm leaves on occasion and even a few Westinghouse models when we “went electric”. But the focus was always fans. They’re the only thing I’ve ever wanted to sell.
So when it came time to buy a domain name, what else would I choose? I thought it was a surefire hit, and so did Zack. Fansonly.com was born!
As it turns out, there was another site with a similar name to ours. Zack claims he had no idea, but I’m beginning to have my doubts.
I find it insulting that we’re the ones being told to cease and desist here. If anything, it’s them that should change their name. We actually only sell fans! Truth in advertising. How many poor antiques collectors have innocently clicked a link looking for an 1865 Duvelleroy only to be greeted with smut?
Who do you think deserves the domain name more, I ask you? I scanned this so-called “more popular website” and found no mention of cooling devices whatsoever, antique or otherwise! The courts are making a grave mistake in defending this imposter.
You probably think I’m a prude, but we’ve sold plenty of saucy material. I’ve never shied away from the more scandalous side of fans (which is usually the side you hold closest to your face, FYI). You have no idea the kind of things adventurous ladies did with fans in the 1700’s. We even sponsored a workshop on flirting with fan signals that got us banned from three different Ren fairs. So don’t tell me I’m too old-fashioned. That’s not the issue here.
A fan is a work of art. It tells a story. What story is being told on this other website about “fans”? The story of a bunch of lazy, naked teenagers who wouldn’t know their ivory from their mother-of-pearl, that’s what. At least when you give us your money, you get something you can take home. You can even masturbate to our fans if you want, all without getting bogged down in the ethics of “is my money going to the right people” and “am I supporting a bad industry”? At least with us, you know one-hundred percent of our profits will go to one place: buying more fans. It’s a far classier circle jerk than you’ll get from them.
Since I’m feeling generous, I’m willing to compromise. It seems neither of us are going to back down, so how about we form a merger? Let’s combine our services in one place and not risk alienating either of our clients.
One condition: we insist on calling our new joint site FansOnlyandOnlyFans.com. Otherwise people might get confused.
