I, The StrengthsFinders Algorithm, Have Mined Your Data To Tell You About Your Sex Life
Your sex life could be better and our StrengthsFinders test will help.
More than 90% of Fortune 500 companies have used CliftonStrengths to bring the power of strengths-based development to their workplace culture. –Gallup.com
Congratulations! You’ve completed our StrengthsFinders assessment at your workplace just like your supervisor asked. Your coworkers can finally understand why you go on a rampage anytime someone uses the wrong ‘your.’
While we were at it, we also mined your data to tell you what kind of person you are in the bedroom. Our highly-refined algorithm has identified your top ten strengths to bring the power of strengths-based intimacy into your sex life.*
Includer
Your accepting nature ensures no one feels left out. Your ability to make others feel welcome serves you well in the bedroom, especially in threesomes. You’re energized when you can bring together a group of people for a coordinated evening of fun. Just be clear in your invitation that it’s an orgy.
Futuristic
You love to imagine what’s possible. You peer as enthusiastically over the edge of the present moment as you do over the edge of your partner’s panties. Partners are fascinated by the picture you paint for them of the night ahead. You’re a dreamer, no doubt about it, and this titillates the lucky individuals you hook up with. It can also wear on their patience when you never get to any of the acts you’ve described because you’re so worn out from your elaborate stories. Phone sex and sexting are particularly well-suited to your forward-thinking approach.**
Arranger
You thrive on creating order out of chaos. You’re skilled at defining and putting things into categories and lining them up from smallest to largest (or girthiest to most flaccid). Partners may feel judged by your need to define everything, and your inability to grasp the concept of a spectrum is incompatible with non-binary partners. Best to use our partner app, StrengthsMatch,*** to find someone patient enough to help you expand your views.
Individualization
You are an expert at seeing others’ strengths. You observe and meet their every need. Thanks to your attentiveness, it’s almost as if you can predict what will rev a partner’s engine. They come away feeling satisfied AF. You don’t, though, because you’re so concerned with pleasing them. It’s only after a bedroom romp where your partner came 10 times that you realize you never did. Your superpower can shine when you’re with a partner whose top power is also individualization.
Self-assurance
Confidence is never an issue for you. Nay, you have it in spades. (Self-esteem, on the other hand, is sometimes lacking.) Your self-assurance attracts a variety of partners who wish to submerge themselves in the confidence that oozes from your pores (and other orifices). You have a mirror installed above your bed. You say it’s so you can better enjoy your partner, but really it’s to gaze at your reflection. Sometimes you get so lost in it that you forget your partner is there.
Maximizer
You crave opportunities to make any situation better. ‘Room for improvement’ is your nonsense middle name. What’s already good can always be made better, you say. This has led you to some of the best orgasms of your life, and also to utter exhaustion. May we suggest trying 69 and calling it a day?
Woo
Your ability to connect with anyone and win them over serves you well in the bedroom, especially for one-night stands. That initial contact is almost as satisfying to you as what follows (and it will likely be wild). You’re not afraid to initiate conversation or intimacy with people you hardly know. On the contrary, this comes quite easily for you. As do your partners.
Discipline
Structure equals fun. You appreciate a partner who shows up on time (and that means five minutes early, clearly). You have a schedule to stick to, people. If you start foreplay at 1800 (6 p.m. for you civilians), there will be exactly five minutes left for cuddling. Those who are willing to stick it out with you are rewarded by your surprisingly tender lovemaking.
Focus
Your vigilance serves you well in pleasing partners. You are committed to the task at hand and won’t give up until your partner is moaning, either from coital contentment or from the chafing that occurs because you’ve been going at it so long. Your desire to get results through challenging situations is admirable, if sometimes ill-advised.
Command
You do your best work when you can lead. You enjoy showing partners where your pleasure bits are and instructing on the best fellatio technique. Your patience encourages partners to take their time to get their moves just right. There’s no grading on a curve in this classroom (unless it’s your partner’s curves).
Unlock all 34 of your Strengths to unleash your full potential in the bedroom!
*We cannot guarantee that by taking our assessment you’ll be any more likely to find your partner’s clitoris, nor can we guarantee that you’ll know what to do if you find it.
**We are not responsible for sexts you accidentally send to your boss, mother, or former partner.
***StrengthsMatch cannot guarantee that using our product will make it any more likely you’ll find your partner’s clitoris.
