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I Was Born Into The Wrong Generation. I’m Meant To Be A Swamp Witch In 1467!

Sam Stone
Published in
3 min readNov 10, 2019


Do you ever feel like no one else gets it? Like you’re utterly alone, even in the crowded hallways at school? I’ve felt that way for as long as I can remember: alienated, isolated, misunderstood. The problem? Our modern society. I guess I’m just…different. I’m not like anyone else at school, and my friends all think I’m weird. But I know the way I am isn’t wrong! I was just born into the wrong generation. I was meant to be a swamp witch in 1467.

All my friends talk about is boys, and Snapchat filters, and JV Volleyball tryouts, and I always think to myself “um…what about gathering herbs and roots to make salves?” Last week when Sarah R showed everyone a meme from the Betches Instagram they all giggled, but when I let out a hauntingly ethereal cackle that roused a flock of ravens from a nearby tree they all stared at me like I was a freak.

When I called them out on it they were like “Oh my God, Hannah your laugh…”. And I was like “PLEASE call me by my actual name, Gullveig of the Great Swamp, like I’ve asked you to a million times”. MacKaynleeigh J rolled her eyes when she thought I wasn’t looking, and quickly changed the subject to boys we thought were cute. While everyone was agreeing that Cody’s new haircut made him #1 cutest boy in school, I thought to myself “The only boy I care about is the water demon Dzovatz and whether he’ll destroy my hut one day while I’m out harvesting sludge”.

My parents are even worse! They don’t get me, and they definitely don’t respect my swamp magic. The other day my mom walked in on me in my room ritualistically coating my naked body in swamp muck and wailing out a counter-hex of protection at the top of my lungs. All she did was sigh and ask if I’d finished my worksheets for the PSAT. It’s like, duh mom! I’m doing something way more important? And obviously I’ve done the worksheets already they take like five seconds! Now can you either slap some gunk on my back or close the frickin’ door!?!

I’m just not interested in today’s society with it’s texting, and hookup culture, and effective antibiotics. I daydream about living deep in the unmapped swamps with my toad familiar, Cody (NOT named after Cody from school, just a coincidence!!). Maybe occasionally an intrepid monk from a nearby enclave seeks me out to brew him an Eternal Wisdom Tincture and I curse him with unsightly warts. It’d be a simple life, but one I know I’m meant to live. I definitely don’t have a crush on Cody from school, by the way. I think his new haircut is just ok.

I know what you’re thinking, and this is not just a phase for me. I know I’m meant to be a swamp witch in 1467 just like I know the sky is blue, or that the only way to reverse a sores and screaming curse is to put slugs on your butt under the full moon, or that Cody deserves a girlfriend who’s way cooler than one of the pretty popular girls at school.

Reading tweets? No thanks, I’m more interested in divining the future using bird droppings. Going to the movies with a bunch of friends on a Friday night and taking a big group picture for Instagram? I’d rather stay home and study a grimoire, actually. Maybe while the group poses for the picture Cody finds himself next to me, and casually puts his arm around my shoulder? Who cares! Not me! All I care about is witchcraft — swamp witchcraft specifically!

I guess I’m just weird. Just kind of…off, and…special. So, if you see me around wearing muddy robes at Homecoming it’s because I’m living my truth. If you hear me speaking in tongues at volleyball practice, that’s just who I am. And if you see me sitting in Social Studies with a far off look on my face, just know that it’s because I’m thinking of swamp witch things and NOT because I’m daydreaming about taking a day trip with Cody to an apple orchard!