I Was Disabled And Unemployed — Then Disney Plus Cast Me As “Toilet Droid”!
I have cerebral palsy and this makes it difficult to work. I can’t lift anything too heavy, I can’t walk long distances or ride a bike. For years, I was resigned to a life of sporadic employment until my body let me down again. But recently, my twisted, cursed body has actually lifted me up — up to the stars…
It started with a call from Kathleen Kennedy, the President of Lucasfilm: “Of course Star Wars has a rich history providing opportunities to the disabled. Locked inside of R2-D2 is man with dwarfism. Action-heavy Chewbacca was played by a man with painful giganticism. Warwick Davis famously played countless roles in Star Wars, from child-soldier Ewok, to multiple slave servant Droids. They all definitely enjoyed playing these roles,” she told me.
It was explained to me that the motto of Star Wars is “If your body is even a little bit weird, we will shove you inside a puppet or object for years.”
My coveted role of “Toilet Droid” actually came about as an accident. In the writer’s room for the new Disney Plus show “Ahsoka,” they were putting together a scene where Terry the Hutt, nephew of the famed Jabba, is having a feast. While writing down all the fun space foods Terry is violently mashing down his throat, George Lucas’ fingers ran through his silver, peanut-buttery thick hair. He thought aloud, “Where’s all this food going? Where does Terry dump his load?”
Asking “Where does Terry dump his load?” was a bit of a eureka moment for George. He was no stranger to these moments after so many years. Chewbacca came about when George saw a Labradoodle and asked “What if he was also a tall, sexy man with a gun?” Yoda came about when George asked “What if an old frog was religious — but also gay?” So now, the answer to “Where does Terry dump his load?” The answer is, inside of me. He will shit inside of Neill Lynskey, aka “Toilet Droid.”
I’m so pumped to get started. It’s a dream come true! The only thing that could be better would be an actual speaking role as a human. However, as a disabled, I should know better than to even think of this wild fantasy. If you’re having trouble envisioning my costume, picture a toilet with a cool retro racing stripe on it, and then my bare legs are sticking out of the bottom, and that’s it. I won’t be able to see where I’m going most of the time, except for one very special moment…
They thought it lacked momentum with just Terry pooping into a toilet, without actually seeing the feces go somewhere. So now, at George’s suggestion, Terry will shoot shit across the room, and I get to pop my entire head out like a turtle, and eat it! They’re even talking about a spin-off wherein other aliens will rent me, and we’ll get to see how aliens across the galaxy defecate inside of me.
It all seems too good to be true, especially since I’m getting paid two-hundred dollars! I would have done it for free! Please check me out as “Toilet Droid” on Disney Plus!
