I Was Really Moved By Your Beautiful Trombone Solo Until You Pressed A Button And Made The Instrument Ejaculate A Liter Of Spit

While the performance was outstanding, the spit was too vast to go unnoticed.

Unsplash Udia Saransi

I can’t thank you enough for performing at my grandmother’s memorial. You really captured her undying spirit with your rendition of Mozart’s Requiem in D Minor. Frankly, I think I can speak for everyone when I say I was moved to tears. That is until the performance concluded and you pressed a button that caused the instrument to ejaculate a liter of your own spit everywhere.

This was no clear spit either. Though the amount still would’ve been troubling, clear spit I can forgive. I don’t know if the instrument is rusty on the inside or you ate some dark chocolate before and didn’t have any water to wash it down but the color of that spit was a deep, dark brown. It looked like a Freon puddle leaking out the back of an old refrigerator.

While the performance was truly outstanding and some of the best live music I’ve ever heard, the spit was just too vast and colorful to go unnoticed. A mouth-breathing baseball player after a double header would feel inferior to that level of spit production. I mean that couldn’t have all been from tonight could it? Is that…