I Wrote My Eulogy and It’s Not Funny
Pam was a great person. She didn’t want to die. She tried hard not to. It happened anyway.
Pam always tried to make people laugh but didn’t always succeed. She did many things that weren’t funny and wrote about them, and some people were mad. Others were very mad. She blocked them.
Pam loved all animals, including dirty strays. Back in the day, she lied on customs forms, saying she had no contact with livestock when traveling in (insert any country here) even though she pet, conversed with, or accosted every filthy animal she crossed paths with, including the donkeys she chased on the side of the road when driving through the Andes in Argentina. She usually washed her hands after, but not always.
Pam took pride in her appearance yet knew nothing about beauty products. She didn’t know what anything in Sephora was. She had no actual skincare routine, which infuriated her beauty-obsessed friends. And even though she refused to use a Vitamin C serum or buy an expensive influencer moisturizer, she still got laid regularly. Imagine that.
Pam wasn’t very athletic. She twirled a baton in fifth grade and was good at it, but no one cared. She thought football was stupid, but much like golf, she wished she liked it because it would have taken up the whole weekend for months on end, and then she wouldn’t have had to…
