If Grass Could Talk, It Might Sound Like This
TOM: Psst. Phil. Psst. Hey Phil.
PHIL: What is it Tom?
TOM: Made ya look.
SUE: What’s wrong, Phil?
PHIL: Tom keeps talking at me. Geez, of all the places I could’ve sprouted it had to be here.
TOM: It was funny though.
PHIL: It was not funny.
SUE: You two are so cute together.
PHIL: Don’t encourage him.
TOM: Do you think any of us will grow into flowers?
PHIL: Somebody step on me…
SUE: Hey, not cool! I’m right here.
PHIL: It’s not gonna happen.
SUE: You don’t know that.
PHIL: If I want it, it won’t happen.
SUE: Remember Penny?
They offer a solemn silence directed at the nearby footprint.
SUE: She was stepped on.
They all remember Penny.
PHIL: The world was too cruel for Penny.
SUE: Why are we even here?
TOM: I wanna sprout tomatoes.
PHIL: That’s great, Tom. Let me know how that goes.
TOM: I almost did it once. Remember? I found that red stuff on me?
PHIL: And what did it end up being?
TOM: Fuzz. But I think maybe all plants start as grass like us who find some fuzz.
SUE: That’s really poetic, Tom.
TOM: And when that dog peed on us I was scared I’d grow a whole dog. I’d break if that ever happened.
SUE: Shh, guys I hear something.
They hear a DISTANT LAWN MOWER.
SUE: The Executioner!
PHIL: Don’t shout! It’ll hear us.
TOM: That seems superstitious, Phil.
SUE: It’s coming closer.
The lawnmower gets LOUDER.
PHIL: Everyone calm down!
SUE: YOU calm down!
PHIL: I AM calm.
SUE: You don’t look calm. You look like a trembling, little blade of grass.
PHIL: Alright! I am trembling. I didn’t sign up for this. I want limbs and a mouth and more limbs!
TOM: I wanna be a flower!
PHIL: I wanna be a flower! People like flowers. They don’t run them through the executioner for sport.
The mower is EVEN CLOSER.
The grass all moves in the breeze.
PHIL: Just hold on!
TOM: I can’t breathe!
A SHADOW falls over them.
All goes black.
The grass patch is now mowed.
PHIL (mutters): I can’t feel my face…(realizes) SUE. I CAN’T FEEL MY FACE.
SUE: You don’t have a face.
PHIL: Oh. Right. (then) Have you lost weight?
SUE (flattered): Two inches off the top.
TOM: Am I a rose yet?
PHIL: Almost Tom.
TOM: Hey, Phil.
TOM: Made ya look.
Tom and Sue CHUCKLE. Phil just groans.