If Greek Myths Were Reported Today
Published in
3 min readMay 24, 2019
- Thetis was indicted today for dipping her son Achilles into the River Styx and rendering him nearly invincible. Mortal parents expressed outrage, claiming her actions gave him an unfair advantage in life. “We can’t all be high-powered river nymphs with access to waters from the Underworld! It’s basically affirmative action for immortals.”
- In a disturbing development, Zeus’s son, Apollo, has been accused of attempted sexual assault. However, his victim refused to press charges; or rather, his victim cannot press charges as she has since transformed into a tree.
- Eurydice gave an exclusive interview today from the Underworld to promote her memoir, Left Behind: The Emotional Labors of Eurydice. “As consorts, the burden often falls upon us to save our husbands from their own helplessness,” she says. “When we bid farewell to Hades, could I have reminded Orpheus not to look back … for the tenth time? Of course! Did he expect me to? Probably. But then what can you expect from an unemployed musician?”
- Mt. Olympus was rocked by scandal when famed hero, Hercules, was accused of using performance-enhancing drugs to complete his 12 labors. “No one can clean the Augean stables in a single day or wrestle a three-headed hell hound without chemical assistance,” said the hero’s former trainer. Hercules has since been banned from Elysian Fields for all eternity.
- In a first of its kind lawsuit, Trojan War veteran Odysseus was sued for twenty years of back child support. Court papers showed that his estranged wife, Penelope, has filed for 10,000 goats, 5,000 sheep, and “my wasted youth spent waiting for my husband’s sorry ass to stop his philandering and return home.”
- The list of the happiest nations on earth was announced today, and the Greek peninsula was again placed at the bottom, citing a “non-existent social safety net” and “arduous work hours.” Sisyphus, who is in his 5,000th straight year of boulder-propulsion, commented, “I wouldn’t know who I was without my work. Besides, our fragile goat and wine economy can’t support a socialist agenda. Who do you think we are, Denmark?”
- A class action was filed today in the Mycenae Circuit Court by former citizens of Troy, alleging the government had foreknowledge of the catastrophe. The lead plaintiff, Cassandra, plans to offer damning testimony. “I told them all not to take that tacky wooden warhorse, but did they listen? Of course not! My Gods, the way they ignored me, it was like I was talking about climate change.”
- A whistle blower has exposed the Oracle of Delphi as a fraud by revealing that her cryptic prophecies are the result of the her pet goat’s manipulation of magnetic poetry. “Frankly, I was shocked it took this long for them to catch on,” she confessed. “But some people will believe anything; especially if you say it in a deep voice while wearing a black turtleneck.”
