If Other Professionals Were Paid Like Writers

We don’t actually pay in money...

Kate Rosow Chrisman
Slackjaw

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Photo of a woman typing at a laptop by Avel Chuklanov from Unsplash

Prestigious law firm seeks a dynamite trial attorney to defend a high-profile murder suspect. Unable to provide monetary compensation, but the position offers terrific media exposure to jumpstart your career.

Looking for capable bridge engineers to strengthen our country’s physical infrastructure. We pay per bridge, but to make sure we’re a good fit, the first two bridges are uncompensated.

The U.S. Army is recruiting for a highly decorated General to rewrite the war in Afghanistan so that critics give it at least four out of five stars. Must have experience with both in-person combat and drone strikes. Paid upon delivery of a successfully-fought war.

Secretive client in need of a seasoned accountant to file seventeen years of back taxes and move remaining money offshore. Preference given to accountants not listed in the Panama Papers. We believe in paying our accountants (normally sometime after the 100th invoice).

Recruiting for a highly versatile diplomat who works well under pressure and is skilled at getting guilty Americans out of overseas jails. Must speak Farsi, Thai, Arabic, German, and English. Unpaid but if successful, the client will scratch your contact details onto the wall of a high-traffic Thai prison cell.

Looking for a licensed plastic surgeon with their own equipment. Must be prepared for unlimited revisions and a client who ultimately sues you because he “did all the work.”

Local public school has a vacant position for a teacher who is good with kids and passionate about algebra. Must also like to coach boys soccer in the afternoons. This is a BYOC (bring your own curriculum) situation. Paid in drawings from your students (some truly heartwarming, some explicit, and some that you’ll need to clean off student desks since we have a skeleton janitorial staff).

Member of Congress is looking for a chief of staff to set legislative agenda, run day-to-day operations of office, and oversee staff. Unfunded but the right candidate has the chance to meet the Congressman’s literary agent.

High-end conference organizer in need of an experienced plumber to fix a rash of clogged toilets. For every fifty toilets you unclog, you’ll get a free day pass to attend a conference of your choice.

K-Street firm seeks an aggressive lobbyist to broker back-door deals for our growing list of clients. Former employees say that making a difference in the lives of special interest groups was more rewarding than a paycheck.

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Kate Rosow Chrisman
Slackjaw

Kate is a writer and editor in Berlin. Previously in renewable energy. Mom of three. Visit Kate at www.katerchrisman.com or tweet at her at @KateRChrisman.