If Parenthood Functioned Like The U.S. Presidency

That’s “Mr. Dad” and “Madam Mom” to you.

Co-authored by W. A. Hughes & Alice H. Lahoda

Image created by the author on Canva Pro

If parenthood functioned like the United States presidency…

Parents would sign permission slips using a different pen for every letter to give away as souvenirs.

Every January, parents would deliver a speech to their kids about their loftiest family goals for the upcoming year. The Godparents and oldest child clap and grimace behind them.

Every April, parents would honor their children by inviting family, friends, and the local paper to the VFW hall to witness parents roast the shit out of their kids.

Every day, the nanny would answer all of the children’s questions about the household and family unit. (“Regarding your parents’ new jobs plan, I once again refer you to the chore chart issued at the beginning of this briefing.”)

Only parents would have the internet password, which they carry around in a “WiFi football.”

Every year, all parents and children would work together to reach an annual allowance agreement the local bully approves.

Kids would suggest dessert for dinner when they know it won’t actually happen, because they want their parents…