If You Love Autumn, This Scarecrow Strip Club Is For You!

Kelly Noonan
Oct 31, 2019 · 3 min read
Image by Dimitris Vetsikas from Pixabay

Howdy! As millennial farmers who inherited a broken-down farmhouse with a second mortgage, a tractor that needs $7,000 in repairs and a lot of land that can only reliably grow corn, we’ve got a proposition for all you autumn-loving ladies — come sow your oats at the only scarecrow strip club in the Sooner state. Don your flannel and pull up your boot straps and get ready for a once in a lifetime experience! And please, we’re begging you, share it on your social media! We need as many of you as we can get.

If you really love autumn and you want to separate yourself from all the other PSL-poseurs, join us at our super-secret field that’s in the middle of nowhere Oklahoma. Our entirely outdoor yet intimate scarecrow strip club is sure to have wheat stalks that will tickle your fancy. We promise we’re not sketchy! Can you say GIRLS’ TRIP?!

Come see our headliner, Dorothy’s Scarecrow, bare all! We used our sexiest branches to build him from scratch and when you see him unbundled, you’ll see how little brains actually matter! You haven’t seen a hotter man made of sticks since Burning Man. Some might say that a scarecrow without their clothes on are just a hay bail with an old broom handle sticking out of it. We say they’re 500 TikTok likes waiting to happen! Please post about us.

Watch our full line-up of animatronic lumbersexuals slowly remove their clothes for you while the theme song from Gilmore Girls blasts at full volume in the background. So autumnal! They range in styles from Nick Offerman to Toy Story’s Woody (if you’ve read this far, we know you’re into weird stuff! Don’t be ashamed!) Before you can say “how did they get a sound system out here?” your greenbacks will be tucked right between their barley and oats. Please don’t skimp on the dollars — robot scarecrows require a surprising amount of maintenance.

Pose seductively next to your favorite hay performer and make all your friends at home weep with FOMO. Don’t worry, if you run out of money, we also somehow have an ATM nearby that only dispenses $100 bills. Want to stay late for our midnight corn maze? Sleep over! Horse stalls equipped with additional scarecrows as well as cinnamon and nutmeg spice candles are available through Airbnb for only $250 a night. Book now!

Is the best part of autumn the food? Of course it is! We’ve all gone apple picking or to a pumpkin patch and have spent 90% of the time perusing the adjacent farm store. Our signature apple cider pumpkin spice lattes will be available for an exorbitant fee at our award-winning buffet. Like our scarecrows, our pumpkin scones and apple fritters are available hot on request. We promise you’ll leave our creepy little field feeling full and satisfied!

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Kelly Noonan

Written by

Contributor to McSweeney’s, Reductress, Slackjaw, The Belladonna and Points in Case. Lives in Witch City. http://kellyrosenoonan.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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