I like to put on my bifocals whenever I eat pussy. Place them on all slow and sexy. Wanna see what I’m doing! Sometimes this makes my Millennial laugh real hard!
I like to tell jokes while I am waiting for the Viagra to kick in. This can take up to thirty minutes. Sometimes my Millennial is chuckling so hard we can’t even have sex, even if I could!
I like to remind my Millennial that 11:00 P.M. ain’t what it used to be. Sometimes after I tell her this I will then fall asleep at the dinner table and she’ll merely smile at all the surrounding restaurant diners as if to say, What can I do, ya know?
Occasionally I will call my Millennial’s cell phone and leave “I Want You To Want Me” by Cheap Trick playing real loud on her voice mail. This intrigues my Millennial until I patiently explain that I used to do this back in 1986 with my first girlfriend on her answering machine. Then she understands!
I enjoy re-enacting the entire script to Red Dawn while wearing only my white brief underwear. Sometimes this can take up to the two full hours of running time but it doesn’t matter: my Millennial is very much bedazzled by my memory ability!
If there’s one criticism I have against Millennial women it might be that they ain’t so keen on blasting Chuck Mangione’s “Feel So Good” when making out. This can make me sad.
I once suffered the indignity of losing my toupee while attempting to impress my Millennial by going down a water slide backwards at Club Sandals in Jamaica. But my Millennial understands that this is just life!
I like to make my Millennial’s roommates chuckle by wearing my 1981 “Pussy Patrol Badge,” the one I purchased at the Montgomery Mall’s Spencer’s Gifts all those years ago. It still looks brand new!
I sometimes patiently explain to my Millennial what exactly the Playboy bunny insignia stands for in a historical sense — and why exactly I paid my urologist extra to have my vasectomy scar formed into that very shape.
I will never text or email a dick pic to my Millennial. But I will go out of my way to physically mail a photo in a padded envelope via First Class. If it’s a rush job, I’m just fine with faxing it.
To keep things fresh, I like to bring my Millennial to a Dave & Busters and really show off my Defender skills!
You know what’s fun? To break into a kooky dance move whenever “My Sharona” plays inside a 7-Eleven or a Duane Reade!
I like to nickname one of my testicles Hall, the other Oates, and to quiz my Millennial on which one is the lower, shorter one.
I enjoy making the parents of my Millennial chuckle by wearing my 1991 Sublime concert T-shirt and asking if they were also there, and then making a motion to my Millennial as if to say, “But she definitely wasn’t!”
My Millennial understands that I sometimes have to hold the condom instructions at great length in order to read them. These ol’ eyes!
It’s fun to tell my Millennial that I’m not yet ready for anything serious, even though I’m thrice divorced and forty-five. But I will definitely let her know when I am! I then enjoy giving an impish wink!
My Millennial and I have a game. I pretend that I am all upset with my excess shoulder and lower-back hair. Ooooh, I hate it! I scream. I just hate it! My Millennial will gently and patiently explain that all men of a certain age have unwanted hair in unwanted areas. But that this is okay. That this is not enough of a reason to break up with me. Not even close. We’ll both laugh extremely hard and then I fall asleep, as my Millennial goes out “clubbing” with her roommates. I love Millennials and they love me!