I’m 50 And It’s Not Funny
I recently turned 50. I didn’t want to turn 50. I tried hard not to. It happened anyway.
50 is both a milestone and a mindfuck, and not to brag, but I made it in one piece. I also made it without any unwanted pregnancies and no arrests. I didn’t marry any idiots, get any embarrassing tattoos when I was drunk, or buy a lion on a whim. By anyone’s standards, I’m a modern-day success story.
No matter how young you feel or how good you look, 50 is a tough pill to swallow. You can’t help but reflect back on what you’ve accomplished, or how you’ve squandered the last half a century. I know life isn’t necessarily a numbers game, but nonetheless, here are some of the numbers.
I was born in 1970.
In 1973 I fell out of my highchair.
I lost my virginity on Super Bowl Sunday, 1987.
I’ve been to 30 countries and two rehabs.
I’ve had seven long term relationships, 11 one-night stands, a 35-year lover, and one broken engagement.
I haven’t had a cigarette in 17 years, and a drink in 24 years.
At 26 I was dating a 48-year-old, at 50 I’m sleeping with a 36-year-old. Happy birthday to me.
In the United States, 3,731,386 people will turn 50 this year. This has no relevance whatsoever, but it…
