I’m A Bad Boy Corporate Twitter Account, And I’m Against Unionization
A union is like a #condom, and business is way better without it. Like sex.
‘Sup my Twitter Bros, aren’t sandwiches da bomb? Here at SammySubs, we’re jammin’ with our sandwich making. That’s right, I’m a corporate Twitter account and certified badass. I use emojis like eggplant, sunglasses, and sandwich. And at SammySubs, we have no rules except one: We strongly discourage unionization, as that would grossly affect our bottom line.
I can share with you #Sambitches all the ‘Office’ gifs you want. Hey, is it pronounced like gif or jif? Vote in this kickass poll, which also asks about your favorite meal at SammySubs. That’s the voting you and our employees are allowed to do. Not like voting for unions or a fair wage, because that would really mess with the vibe we have going, and our CEO’s paycheck. We treat our workers like a family, and part of the family doesn’t need to come together and ask for collective bargaining rights against one other, way more powerful part of the family.
What if we minted some NFTs on top of all that totally delish sandwich making we do, and by we, I mean our employees, and by employees, I mean our family, and by family, I mean our low-wage workers, who again, would be total dorks to unionize. But NFTs are real bangers, like this Twitter account. What about an NFT monkey eating a sandwich? That monkey would never join with other monkeys at the company to ask for silly things like healthcare. That would be bananas, get it? #SammySubsGetsIt. It being sex, and other cool things people on Twitter like.
We’re not going to talk about that one employee that got caught in the breadmaker.
We’re going off the rails with our deals, meals, and wheels. That’s right, we’re sliding into Ford’s DM’s to ask what they did wrong in discouraging unionization, and how we can do it better. And while we’re at it, here’s another sexy tweet. #SubsAreDom. Let’s get that trending! And not that our employees are going on strike. Like, let’s ignore that. Please.
Being the bad boy Twitter account isn’t always easy. You have to deal with questions like “Aren’t these tweets not appropriate for everyone?”, “How are you going to possibly make more sandwich-related innuendo?”, and “What intern is getting fired for this?” Jokes on you, Twitterverse! SammySubs didn’t have to fire any interns, because we don’t offer pay. Also, we don’t offer college credit because we’re literally too cool for school. But we’re getting off track. Let me talk about our #DealsForDayzzz like our Buy One, Get One Twenty Cents Off coupon. And while I’m at it, let’s start a Twitter feud with Wendy’s to bring awareness to both our brands because their parent company just bought SammySubs. As a corporate structure, we again strongly discourage unions of any kind, except between two corporations combining into one #SickAsHell conglomerate that doesn’t allow sick leave.
SammySubs is a cool, chillaxed company with an even cooler Twitter account, armed with the most boss bitch lawyers any corporation could ask for. And those amazeballs lawyers are telling us I can say that a union is like a condom, and business is way better without it. Like sex. And sex is super rad because it sells things like sandwiches, which we at SammySubs are happy to provide. We’re rad, we’re bad, and we’ll fire your union organizers… something that rhymes with “add.”
Stay #Hungry and stay #Away from Googling that employee-in-the-breadmaker thing.
