Hi. I know most of you have never heard my voice — but I just took 17 Buzzfeed quizzes (and posted them on my Facebook and Twitter profiles) and guess what? I’m a motherfucking introvert.
When most people meet me, they think I’m a bitch. Clearly, they don’t understand and appreciate that I’m an introvert. Social situations are hard for me. I’m kinda awkward, which is why I tend to roll my eyes and turn up my music when other people chat with me. Someone told me that makes people think I’m unapproachable, but it’s like, just shut up already! Let me go back to my art.
Being an introvert these days is easier than it was, I guess. I’m happy that Postmates is a thing now because it means I don’t have to leave my house but I wish people didn’t underestimate the completely paralyzing anxiety caused by a 30-second interaction with a delivery person. They expect me to say “hello” and “thank you” and it’s like what do you want, a full blown welcome party? Drop my food and run, idiot.
Unlike most introverts, I do have two friends: my sisters. I’m not talking to one of them right now because she invited other people to her birthday dinner — people we aren’t even related to. At first, I just pretended like they weren’t there. Then my other sister sent me a text and said that if I didn’t say hello and tell this girl my name she was going to literally kill me. Sure, I didn’t speak the whole rest of the dinner, but I said hello, didn’t I? It’s like no one even thinks about me and my needs as an introvert.
The worst day of my life was my grandmother’s funeral. Not because she died, but because of the funeral. A room full of people? That’s a hard pass. Did you know that when someone dies, people want to hug you about it? Strangers want to touch you! It’s wild! They came up to me and started talking even though I clearly had my AirPods in and was listening to a podcast (just at the end of the funeral, I heard the important stuff). They kept saying things like, “I’m so sorry for your loss” and “Your grandmother was a wonderful woman.” The good thing about funerals is that you can just pretend to be crying and not have to talk, even though inside, I wanted to be like, “Do you know what will be wonderful? Dying.” That way I don’t have to talk to people ever again. The ultimate in cancelled plans.
Because this entire god damn world is designed for extroverts, getting a job hasn’t been easy. Thankfully, my most outgoing sister convinced her boss to hire me at the large corporate coffee shop she works at. I envisioned long days making coffee and listening to podcasts because she failed to tell me I’d have to talk to people but I guess I’m supposed to be friendly? My boss had the audacity to call me in to discuss what he calls “communication skills.” Uh, I don’t have any, my dude.
Just because I don’t want to say hello to customers doesn’t make me bad at making coffee, bro. It’s called social anxiety, ever heard of it? Maybe people should stop clogging the air with all of their smiling and small talk because it makes me break out in hives. Why can’t you make space for me? I mean, yes, I did growl at that woman when she asked me to re-make her vanilla latte, but in my defense, I’d already had to talk to three people that morning and I was over it. Don’t people get how hard this is for me?
Are there any jobs where introverts who understand my struggle can get together and not talk to each other and get paid for it? Nothing in tech or research though. Those people are weird. I’m just an introvert…it’s not like I’m an engineer or something.