I’m Against D.C. Statehood Because ‘Fifty-One’ Doesn’t Rhyme With ‘Nifty’
We can’t allow an uneven number to erase a catchy, educational song.
As a patriotic, complication-averse American, I reject the idea of D.C. statehood solely on the grounds that it would effectively “cancel” the most educational tune in the American songbook.
Its opening refrain declares, and rightly so, “Fifty nifty United States, from thirteen original colonies…” This song — a catchy little earworm of a ditty — has, for generations, imparted upon American schoolchildren the imperative lesson of memorizing the name of every single state in alphabetical order. It’s too perfect, too inspired, dare I say even heaven-sent, that “fifty” rhymes with “nifty.”
We can’t turn our backs on such a pure, even number like fifty. Sure, the Constitution allows for the addition of new states. Sure, we admitted two new states within the lifetime of most Boomers. But, I believe the Founding Fathers would never have intended for us to include more than fifty states if the word “nifty” had been invented in their time. No doubt, they would have seen the value in a union that could be described in the cadence of a radio jingle (if radio jingles had been invented in their time as well).
