I’m An Orthodontist, And Believe Me, Your Kid’s Mouth Is Completely Jacked Up
I’m going to be straight with you, Mrs… uh… Mrs… Charlie’s Mom.
Oh, it’s Laura. Right.
Anyhow, Lauren, I’ve taken a look at Charlie’s scan, and I’ve never seen anything more horrifying in my life. I can’t even tell which way is up with this kid’s mouth.
What’s that? Oh, dangit. You’re right. This is actually a map of the Everglades I had pulled up earlier. Surprisingly similar. Sorry about that. Okay, there we go. Yeah, slightly better prognosis than for the Everglades. But still — yuck.
Judging from the scan, I bet Charlie grinds his teeth.
Yup, knew it.
Does he snore too?
Damn, I’m good.
How about overly loud chewing?
Ever talk back to you?
Stick his hands down his pants? Tell the same joke over and over until you want to punch him in the face?
Yep. It’s his mouth. It’s the completely wrong shape. Actually, it’s his whole head. Over here, see, the jaw is just bonkers. And his sinuses look like shriveled up cloves of garlic. He’s got impertinent incisors. An incompetent tongue. The whole shebang.
Oh, I’ve upset you.
Please, calm down. I said, calm down!
Get a hold of yourself, Laurie!
Am I worried? Of course I am. This boy’s oral cavity terrifies me. But I’m a professional! Just trust me to make sense of this mess. I’m going to do my best to wrangle Charlie’s freaky little jaw into submission like the late Steve Irwin subduing a Saltwater Croc.
Will it work?
Was the invasion of Normandy guaranteed to work?
No, but they damn well tried anyway.
We’ll start by lining the inside of Charlie’s gnarly mouth with a metal cage, to stretch his palette. It’s like a medieval rack, but on the inside. His tongue will spend months hovering in the middle of his mouth like a muscly magic carpet.
Next up — Invisalign, right around middle school. It’s the perfect age for a kid to take full responsibility for two staggeringly expensive and nearly invisible aligners. Every day he’ll remove them from his ghastly teeth, wrap them up in a crumpled napkin, and place them on the school lunch table among the masses of postprandial tween detritus. Will he be responsible enough to remember not to throw them out, day after day? I don’t know, Laurel; only time will tell whether you’ve failed as a mother or not.
Then, hopefully, in time, the aligners will transform his mangled, misshapen mandible and maxilla into something less reminiscent of a demogorgon. Is it a promise? Well, I’ll ask you to consider whether in June of 1944, in the face of countless setbacks and challenges, Eisenhower promised victory to his Allied compatriots.
Of course he didn’t.
So, if, against all odds, Charlie’s train wreck of a mouth comes out the other side of all of that looking less…feral, he’ll graduate to wearing a retainer while he sleeps for the rest of his life. That retainer will be his nightly companion every single night until he dies, or he’ll risk his teeth reverting back to this unspeakable disaster.
How much will all this cost, you ask?
Good question. Allow me to just run the numbers real quick. Let’s see…the balance on my private alligator hunting expedition is…and the special edition Nat Geo Super Duper Explorer Club membership dues and vest cost…and the video editor to compile all the footage of me for my greatest hits hype video…
Yep. Charlie’s treatment will cost twenty-five thousand dollars.
Steep? Well, Laverne, that’s the going rate for a chance to give your child a mouth that doesn’t nauseate people at first sight.
What’s the alternative? Hmm, no one’s ever asked me that before. Just spitballing here, I’d say if you don’t take my advice, you’re looking at a lifetime of obstructed breathing, insufficient sleep, inability to perform basic dental hygiene tasks, poor nutrition, academic failure, social ostracism, physical atrophy, and a slow, steady descent into an adulthood in which both love and fulfillment will elude him. The most likely outcome is that, in twenty years, he’ll be living under the trampoline in your backyard, subsisting on shoplifted Corn Nuts and sprinkler water.
You want me to give you the probability of this happening, in numbers?
Are you familiar with the events of D-Day?
You are? Fine.
So, what do you say, Lorraine? Shall we get started?
