I’m Bob Vila And Here Are Some Modern Backyard Projects For Building What Is Definitely Not A War Bunker

Avery Gregurich
Sep 13 · 4 min read
Image for post
Image for post
“Home Improvement Fund” by Jamiesrabbits is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Hey there. Bob Vila here to remind you that fall is just around the corner now, and if you are anything like me, you’ve spent most of the last six months here, standing in your garage late at night, shirtless, acting out your favorite scenes from This Old House with your co-host Homer, an orange Home Depot apron you’ve hung limply from a nail on the wall.

Those old scenes sure got me and Homer nostalgic for some good old fashioned home improvement projects, anything to put our hands to work and our minds at ease. So Homer and I, Bob Vila, have come up with a few modern backyard projects that are sure to increase your property’s value, bolster its curb appeal, land you the envy of the entire cul-de-sac, and might just help you and your family withstand any and all eventual acts of war and nuclear projectiles.

Rustic Walk-In Cellar

The first step in building a rustic cellar is to dig a hole at least 45-feet deep in the backyard. You will need a shovel for this, preferably a used military-issue trench shovel for posterity. The plan for this one is simple: start digging and don’t stop until you’re sure you’ve gone at least 45 feet.

Once you hit that point, dig for about 10 feet horizontally, or enough to fit you, your family, your forty year collection of Fine Homebuilding magazines, most of your wood shop, and a horse for transport through the nuclear abyss, and, in case everything else turns sour, meat.

Have your neighbors test the roof of your Rustic Walk-In Cellar with various hand grenades, land mines, and other projectile weapons available from the impressive arsenal at Walmart. If it holds, you have added instant value to your backyard, and your Rustic Walk-In Cellar will be ready for whatever these reptilian overlords have in store for us next.

Handmade Playhouse

A Handmade Playhouse will set your backyard apart, and leave you ample vantage points to install large-magazine firearms with which to mow down any and all enemies. It’s placement will also coyly hide the entrance to your rustic walk-in cellar.

You are going to want this thing big, tall enough to ensure hundreds of yards of sight line in all directions, and spacious enough for four or five mounted gatling guns and appropriate stores of munitions. While the gatling guns are a bit archaic, Homer and I think it adds a certain authenticity to your Handmade Playhouse, which potential homeowners are sure to take note of.

Feel free to download PDF’s of either of our building plans: “Handmade Playhouse With Monkey Bars and Guard Towers” or “Handmade Playhouse, With Purple Slide and Howitzer”.

Take your time through the ensuing 436 steps, and eventually your backyard will have a perfect Handmade Playhouse. This dual-purpose project is a great addition to any modern backyard today, and will only increase in importance in the coming days of hellfire.

Living Water Feature

How about a living water feature, filled entirely with your choice of nightmarish aquatic life: Anglerfish, Lamprey, or Alligator gar? While others in your neighborhood might have gone with a backyard water feature filled with koi or good old goldfish, this Living Water Feature will be sure to make potential porch pirates and post-nuclear scavengers alike think twice about pillaging your Amazon Prime deliveries and stealing your shitty canned goods.

Make your Living Water Feature complete with a retractable bridge, preferably connected in some fashion with ancient pulleys to the front of your Handmade Playhouse. This way, you can enter and leave your backyard at your discretion alone. Also, it will allow you to leisurely view your nightmarish aquatic life from a safe distance and out of easy biting range.

I hope these modern backyard projects will get you out of the house and back in the lucrative business of home improvement.

For Homer and the rest of my inanimate friends in my garage, I’m Bob Vila for This Modern House, reminding you to never, ever, stop improving.

Follow Slackjaw on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Sign up for Yapjaw

By Slackjaw

Yapjaw is Medium's #1 newsletter for all things humor, and we're sorry to say you'll only receive it a few times a month. Take a look

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Thanks to Alex Baia

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store