I’m Breaking Up With You Because You Don’t Have iMessage

Alex Baia
Slackjaw
Published in
4 min readSep 6, 2024

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Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Meredith,

I’ll cut to the chase. I can’t date you anymore.

It’s not about you as a person. You’re smart, fun, witty, sexy, and completely my type in a physical and emotional sense. I could even see us getting married. But when I was in Brazil last month, and I could reach my family and all my friends by iMessage, but I couldn’t tell if my texts were even getting through to your piece of crap Android phone, I knew in my heart that this has to end. I cannot get past your lack of iMessaging, and God knows I’ve tried, Meredith.

I have asked — then begged — you to get an iPhone. “My phone is fine,” you say. No, Meredith. Your phone is not fine! It has inferior SMS texting capabilities. Also, do you not respond to my Spider-Man memes because you don’t like them or because receiving images on Android barely works?

Meredith, iMessage is fast and reliable. It works anywhere in the world over WiFi. It gives me that satisfying, little ‘delivered’ indicator, letting me know that I have accomplished a task and that I’m doing the work of communicating and building a relationship with someone I love. Yet you deny me this basic decency.

Best of all, iMessages are blue: the color of wisdom, peace, and the ocean. I love the ocean, Meredith. It’s beautiful. Do you…

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Alex Baia
Slackjaw

Humor writer, book junkie, stargazer, optimist. Resident philosophy major. Get my humor newsletter: https://alexbaia.com/humor