I’m Creating a Special Task Force to Study the Dog in Our Bed Crisis

Evan Allgood
May 22, 2018 · 3 min read
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You win, honey. I have read the dozens of adverse event reports you keep texting me, and I hear you. That’s why I’m holding this press conference in our kitchen to announce that I am establishing The Boyfriend’s Commission on Combating the Canine Sleep Disturbance Crisis.

Its mission: “to study the scope and effectiveness of the Boyfriend’s response to the dog sleeping in the bed crisis and make recommendations to the Boyfriend for improving that response.”

I know the formation of a special commission or task force is often a way to pay lip service to a problem without taking any meaningful action. But I have assembled some of the country’s top minds to study this critical issue and I expect that, in a matter of months (two years, tops), they will put forth some tremendous solutions.

This handpicked task force is a veritable who’s who of human-dog somnology:

· Ray downstairs

· Those Rastafarian guys who hang out at the park all day

· Disgraced ex-governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie

Wow, talk about a ‘dream team.’ Ray is an honorary member of the FDNY and seems to have a lot of time on his hands to devote to research. Those Rastafarian guys observe dogs for several hours a day while smoking weed at the edge of the woods. And Chris Christie once vetoed a bill regulating puppy mills, so you know he has some avant-garde ideas on animal welfare.

I can’t wait to see what the Rastas come up with. We need fresh eyes on this crisis, no matter how bloodshot.

Until their report, of course, we must maintain the status quo. We cannot jeopardize the Commission’s work or needlessly throw off the dog’s routine, which is sleeping in our bed every night like a good boy, such a good boy, OHHHHHH who’s a good boy!

This is a complex issue with countless (three) impacted parties, and there are many conflicting data on the topic. For example, studies show that a dog in the bed can seriously disrupt a Girlfriend’s sleep. On the other hand, Petey is my best friend in the whole wide world and I really love cuddling my special little man until we scamper off to Snoozetown.

Yes, he shifts a lot in his sleep, and scratches the wall, and makes “mouth noises” (your words), and sometimes kicks us in the face. One time he sharted on your hoodie, which we both agreed was most uncool.

But — to play devil’s advocate here — did we not let Petey lick our plates after eating King of Tandoor? Did we not make our bed, so to speak? Can we really complain when the dog sharts in that bed?

I don’t have the answers, which is why I’m forming this special Commission. I eagerly await their final report so I can review their findings and recommendations and maybe even implement some of them if there is room in my emotional budget.

In the meantime, hey, have you tried taking more melatonin?

Slackjaw

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Evan Allgood

Written by

Writer for Daily Shouts, McSweeney’s, The Millions, Paste

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Evan Allgood

Written by

Writer for Daily Shouts, McSweeney’s, The Millions, Paste

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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