I’m Glorf The Orc And It’s Time For My Spinoff Movie
Don’t make me rip your ear off.
What’s up, movie producers? The name’s Glorf. I’m Orc #532 from “The Lord of the Rings” movies. Since everyone from Cruella to Joker seems to be getting their own spinoff movie, I thought I’d throw my hat in the ring. Obviously, I don’t wear hats — hats are for losers like Gandalf — but I’ll certainly throw my rusty ax in the ring.
A little about me: I’m two-hundred-seven years old, I’ve got a rock-solid bod, and I’ve been divorced twice. I live in a dope shack in the Mordor suburbs and survived all three LOTR movies, which makes me pretty badass. I’m also devilishly handsome (comparable to Aragorn), I can sling sixteen arrows per minute, and I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich.
Spinoffs are all about revealing the heartbreaking backstories of so-called “evil” characters. Take Joker, for example. He was just a quirky clown trying to make a living, but everyone bullied him. It’s no wonder he turned bad! As for Cruella, she was a stylish lady whose hair grew weird, so she turned to puppy-napping as a coping mechanism. Oh, that’s not what it’s about? Listen, I’m juggling a lot of streaming services right now, and Disney+ just didn’t make the cut.
Anyway, I too have an origin story that’d make even the most cold-hearted audiences weep. I was born a baby-adult by springing from a muddy sack. I have fifteen scars, permanently wet hair, and mysterious lumps on my chiseled bod. I didn’t really wanna follow the Dark Lord Sauron on his quest for world domination, but orcs had limited career paths back then, so off to war I went. After that whole ring debacle was over, I was super over Mordor, so me and my bud, Bloofdoor, moved out to the burbs. These days I run a bakery where my signature treat is glazed foot.
I’m so glad studios are finally giving “evil” characters their due. Because deep down, the most horrid, stinky, and murderous characters have just been mistreated! For example, one time an orc stepped on my toe and I spent the rest of the day limping around. Some of the orcs made fun of me, calling me “wobbly boy” (a grave orc insult). If people could see that story in action, they’d understand why I chopped that toe-stepping orc in half.
Some people find orcs ugly. Hideous, even. But I believe beauty is in the eye of the beholder, especially if the beholder’s other eye has been stabbed out by yours truly. Besides, I’ve found that ladies appreciate the more rugged look. Take Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood.” The man was constantly covered in sweat and mud. That, my friends, is the signature orc look! Also, we can totally take the slime and drool down a notch. Those were just little character choices we made for the films. See? Orcs are good actors! Especially me, Glorf.
Look, I know I’m not as “layered” as Gollum. And I didn’t get nearly the same amount of screen time as the Balrog. But if you look closely in LOTR 3, hour 2, minute 3, and 30 seconds, you’ll see me punch an elf in the face!
In conclusion, I believe that I, Glorf, am the perfect hero for your next villain spinoff movie. Pick me and I promise not to remove your limbs from your body. That was a joke! Yeesh, you humans are so jumpy. Anyway, thanks for listening, and please reach out to my agent if he’s still alive.
