I’m Having Second Thoughts About My Samuel L. Jackson Siri
There are only so many times I can take being called a mutherf***er
7:13 am — in bed
Sam Jackson Siri: Waaaaaake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Up ya wake, up ya wake, up...ya...wake!
Me: Siri. Snooze 10 minutes.
SJ Siri: I already snoozed this muthafucka three times already. Damn! What’s the point of setting an alarm if you gonna be snoozin’ my ass all goddam day. Wake the fuck up muthafucka!
Me: Fine. Geeze. What’s the weather like today?
SJ Siri: Nigga, how the fuck am I supposed to know? Do I look like Al Roker to you? Oh, shit. Hold up. I do have this database. One second... Looks good. It's gonna be HOT!
Me: Can you be a little more specific than just "Hot"?
SJ Siri: Oh. Sure. Sorry. It's gonna be "HOT AS FUCK!"
8:15 am — still in bed scrolling through Facebook
SJ Siri: Goddam! You do realize it’s 8:15 in the motherfucking morning, right? Need I remind you that regardless of this pandemic and that motherfucker in the White House, you still got shit to get done! I got “Fight the Power” all queued up!
