I’m Japanese And I’ve Never Had One, But I’m Going To Tell You How To Make An American Burger
So much umami!
I’m a Japanese man who has never had an American burger, but I love the idea, so I’m going to teach you how to make one. A unique, culinary curiosity, a burger is enjoyed every year by every American to celebrate their country’s independence. It is a quintessential American dish and here is my unsolicited take.
Ingredients (Serves 1 American, or 5 Japanese)
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 8 minutes
Total Time: 18 minutes
Hamburger “Patty”
1 1/2 pounds of ground meat (I recommend tuna)
1 1/2 teaspoons seasoning salt
Optional: A sprinkle of sweat from a “grill master”
Not Optional: 5 pounds of cheese
Hamburger “Buns”
2 slices of any bread (Substitute: rice)
Steps:
1. Prepare by buying all of your ingredients on credit. As is tradition, all burgers consumed in the United States are purchased with borrowed money. Knowing that every bite doesn’t really belong to you adds to the je ne sais quoi.
2. Combine all the ingredients of the “patty” in a bowl. Have a taste. If you do not like what you taste, loudly and proudly remark on the “texture.” Americans are particularly fond of discussing the texture of food but only when they hate it. Say something like, “no, I like the taste, I just don’t like the texture.”
3. After the mixture is thoroughly mixed, form the patty into a ball.
4. Place the meatball between the two “buns.” If using rice, form rice into like-sized balls. Press together tightly as though the two buns represent American economic forces that are squeezing the middle-class meatball out of existence.
5. Deep-fry for 10 minutes. If you are without a timer, this is the amount of time it takes to sing the national anthem of America, The Star-Spangled Banner, four times. Three times, if you hold the high notes for flair and applause.
6. Enjoy, you patriot!
