I’m Just Like Everyone Else
I put my pants on one leg at a time.
Look, I’m just like everyone else — I put my pants on one leg at a time. And by the time I get to the twelfth pant leg, I usually have to switch on my Gravity Girdle™ so the temporal distortion field doesn’t make my pants slide back down when I try to pull up the hard-to-reach rear pant legs. While I sit in my concrete ionization chamber and wait for the girdle to power up, I’ll take a short break from dressing myself and have a light snack of spirulina flakes sprinkled over a bowl of dehydrated eggplant protein and freeze-dried amino pellets.
Once I’m certain the blood in my legs hasn’t reversed its directional flow and my joints haven’t seized up and dissolved in a sudden bout of advanced osteoarthritis brought on by localized alpha particle contamination, I strap into the shoulder harnesses of my Prayer Engine’s “Personal Pew,” look deeply into the retinal scanner (dousing my corneas with a few glycerin drops to keep the eye bleed to a minimum, of course) and hope for a glorious blessing from the Limitless Beings Beyond Comprehension.
I lightly coat my hand in powdered graphite and tap the fingerprint reader, mix a drop of my blood with two milligrams of molten tungsten, and wait for the centrifuge to complete three full cycles so the internal imprint sensors can verify my…
