I’m Just Your Average Online Film Critic

I can’t believe you’ve never heard of Abbas Kiarostami.

Photo by Johnny Cohen on Unsplash

First, we have to get one thing straight. I don’t write reviews, I write think pieces. I love films, not movies.

I love films that only real cinephiles have seen. Films that impress others when I share that I’ve seen them. Koyaanisqatsi? Seen it and loved it. Salò or the 120 days of Sodom? Incredible. The Godfather? Overrated.

Films by first-time filmmakers need to prove to me that their film is any good because I only love films by filmmakers I love. Tarantino. Roman Polanksi. Woody Allen. In fact, the more controversial the filmmaker is, the more likely it is that the film will be a masterpiece. A filmmaker must be able to risk everything. That’s art.

I’ve devoted my life to obsessing over film. But, the right films. Not those hacky blockbuster snore-fests that rake in billions of dollars. The films I love are usually slow and boring, but not boring to me, just to those whose minds can’t keep up. Tenet didn’t confuse me at all.

Movies that everyone loves always suck. Jaws. Terminator. Marvel’s Anything. Films aren’t here for your enjoyment, they’re a gift from an artist’s soul. Real art is unappealing. It should be unpleasant. It should offend. Films that everyone loves instantly…