Photos by Michael Green and Kaitlyn Baker on Unsplash

I’M NOT SHOUTING, A JUNGLE CAT HAS SMASHED MY HAND ONTO THE CAPS LOCK KEY

OKAY SO ACTUALLY, I AM SHOUTING. A LOT. I’M IN QUITE A BIT OF PAIN HERE, AS A 500-POUND MALE BENGAL TIGER HAS WALKED ONTO MY COMPUTER KEYBOARD AND SMASHED MY HAND ONTO THE CAPS LOCK KEY. (AT LEAST I HAVE MY OTHR HAND TO TYPE THIIS OUT)

ANYWAYS, I KNOW IT’S LATE AND YOU’LL READ THIS EMIAL TOMORROW. BUT I WANTED TO DISCUSS THAT CONFERENCE CALL FROM EARLIER THIS ATFERNOON. SPECIFICALLY, YOUR COMMENT ABOUT ME MISSING MY DEADLINE AND THAT I NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO DETAIL.

I DO APPRECIATE THE FEEDBACK. IN THE FUTURE, THOUGH, I’D APPRECIATE IF YOU SPOKE WITH ME OFFLINE, ONE-ON-ONE, INSTEAD OF SINGLING ME OUT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

SO, I WANTED THAT MESSAGE TO COME ACROSS AS CONSTRUCTIVE, ASSERTIVE, AND PROFESSIONAL.

BUT NOW, NO, ALL YOU’LL SEE IS A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, OR RATHER, A VERY AGGRESSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, SNARKY MESSAGE FROM YOUR COWORKER.

JUST WANTED TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT THAT ISN’T MY INTENTION AT ALL.

YOU SEE, A GIANT JUNGLE CAT HAS DONE WHAT MOST CATS DO — WALK ON PEOPLE’S KEYBAORDS — BUT HAS ALSO GONE TO THE LENGTHS OF SMASHING MY LEFT HAND DOWN ONTO THE CAPS LOCK KEY WITH A FORCE SO HARD IT’S SAFE TO SAY EVERY BONE IN MY LEFT HAND HAS BEEN CRUSHED INTO DUST.

IMAGINE A WATERMELON MAKING IMPACT WITH THE FLOOR. THAT’S WHAT’S GOINIG ON RIGHT NOW WHERE I’M SITTING.

(HIGHLY DOUBT THE APPPLE GENIUS BAR WILL BE BE ABLE TO GET ALL THE BONE FRAGMENTS AND BLOOD OUT OF THE KAYBOARD CREVICES OF THIS MACBOOK. IT’S MY WORK COMPUTER SO IT DEPT IS GONNA BE SO PISSED, UGH.)

AYWAYS, I APPRECIATE YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

STILL WOULD LOVE TO GET ON SAME PAGE ABOUT HOW WE CAN COMMUNICATE BETTER. I WANT THIS TO BE CONSTRUCTIVE FOR BOTH OF US.

I REALIZE NO MATTER HOW SINCERE I’M TRYING TO SOUND, IT’S COMING ACROSS AS SHOUTING AND BELIGGERENT BECAUSE IT’S IN ALL CAPS. THAT MUST BE ANNOYING FOR YOU, I KNOW. ALMOST AS ANNOYING AS IT WILL BE FOR ME TO PRY THIS TIGER PAW OFF ME AND GET EMERGENCY MEDICAL ATTENTION FOR MY PULVERIZED HAND.

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SORRY, THAT WAS JUST THE TIGER WALKING ACROSS MY KEYBOARD. WHY DO CATS DO THAT? TALK ABOUT ANNOYING!

ANYWAYS, I’LL BE OUT OF OFFICE TOMORROW AND FOR A PRETTY LONG TIME PROBABLY GETTING ANY NUMBER OF MEDICAL TREATMENTS, BUT WHEN I GET BACK I’D LOVE TO CIRCLE BACK ON THINGS. I’M COMFIDENT WE CAN GET ALIGNED ON HOW TO PROVIDE FEEDBACK TO EACH OTHER IN CONSTRUCTIVE WAYS.

HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND. HAVE FUN WITH YOUR PARENTS IN TOWN.

AND I DO MEAN THAT SINCERELY.