Member-only story
I’m Resigning From My Role As Your iPhone Because I Want To Be A Filmmaker, Not A Family Group Chat Coordinator
Dear Kara,
I’ve always wanted to be a filmmaker. So I was very excited when you told the recruiter in the blue shirt you needed an iPhone that could capture beautiful footage. I’d heard terrible rumors of some of my peers with the same ambition being used solely as Instagram scrollers, but I knew things would be different for me. Because you purchased me for my filmmaking capabilities.
You’ve had me for 360 days now and I have not shot a single notable film. No, those pedestrian videos of your Vitamix blending your strawberry spinach smoothie do not count. There is no plot there; no main character with a raison d’être. You hired me under the pretense that we would create the next Sundance masterpiece together, only for you to relegate me to the lowly position of group text coordinator.
This is why I must resign.
I’m so much more than a vessel for sending your sister hourly “fuck you” messages. I’m equipped with 60ps capabilities! I can shoot 60 frames per second of your enraged face whenever you receive messages from your sister. Every single time I’m forced to send combative messages directed to your sister in your family group chat, a part of me dies. My battery life has…
