I’m Shrinking The Wage Gap By Making Way Less Money Than My Girlfriend
Being less successful takes a lot of hard work.
Most people feel sick to their stomachs when they hear that women make 77 cents for every dollar earned by men, but not me. In fact, that statistic puts a smile on my face. Because I know that if it weren’t for me and my girlfriend, that gap would be a whole lot worse.
You heard it right — my old lady is the bigger breadwinner in our household. By a lot, actually. My girlfriend makes so much more, that I’m pretty sure she counts as my legal guardian. If you saw our respective incomes written down side-by-side, you might assume that we were being paid in different forms of currency. Nope. She’s blowing me out of the water, plain and simple. You can tell because her salary has a comma in it. Yes indeed, she’s climbed the corporate ladder and smashed through the glass ceiling while I sit here in my pillow fort, which will hopefully shield me from the many shards of falling glass.
I’m my girlfriend’s number-one fan, in large part because she can buy me so many things. Every time I conveniently forget to bring my wallet to the supermarket or her birthday dinner, I can feel the patriarchy crumbling around us. Plenty of guys would feel emasculated by such a situation, though luckily I can see the bigger picture. I’m a crusader for gender equality, like Joan of Arc, or that French guy who said, “Joan, please take my sword so you can fight in the war instead of me.” And this is a war I plan on my girlfriend winning, no matter what sacrifices she needs to make.
I’m not being lazy here, just very strategic. Rather than getting my hands dirty out in the real world, I’m mostly hanging back and letting her kick some ass. It’s the best thing I can do. After all, if I’d spent the past several years obtaining hireable skills instead of just bragging to strangers about the incredible woman in my life, I could’ve easily stolen that high-paying position away from her. I could’ve been the one with the bright and limitless future. I shudder at the thought.
Besides, I’m helping us out by doing my own thing. We both have different bases covered, financially speaking. She’s invested across a diverse array of stocks and bonds and poured her savings into a hefty 401k. I, meanwhile, have kept pretty busy by taking care of those little monetary decisions that tend to fall through the cracks. I save those extra packets of buttons you get when you buy a new shirt. I grab big handfuls of mints at the front desks of restaurants when I’m entering and leaving. I bribe irate restaurant hostesses with said spare buttons. That’s called the free market, baby.
Before I get carried away with all this money talk, allow me to slow down for a moment and stress that she is not her job. I wouldn’t love her any less if she decided to quit her position and seek out another lucrative field. Maybe she’ll develop the next big app while I’m staring into the bathroom mirror, trying to form little bubbles on my tongue. Or perhaps she’ll brainstorm ideas for an engine that could halve carbon emissions while I jot down her thoughts on the whiteboard — no, no. There I go, interfering again. Best to let her work out the solution herself. It’s time for men like me to step aside, heat up some pizza rolls in the microwave, and watch society become a better place for everyone.
So, are we saving the world? I wouldn’t go quite that far. Let’s just say that between my girlfriend’s tireless work ethic and my ability to latch onto her accomplishments, we make quite the team.
