I’m Sorry Your Nana ‘Dyed’ In A ‘Comma’ — Feedback On Your Grade 6 Creative Writing Essay
I’m sorry for your loss of literacy, Melissa.
Thank you, Melissa, for trusting me with this sacred and utterly devastating memory in your personal narrative essay. It must have been gut-wrenching when your beloved Nana died in a coma. I’m very sorry for your loss. I can only hope this experience taught you to never lose sight of what really matters in this harsh world — the ability to write well.
When revising this draft, remember what I taught you in class — Show, don’t tell. This will make your writing come alive (unlike poor, dead Nana☹) for your reader.
For example, you wrote:
After Nana fell down the stairs, she dint move. She was breeding all over the place. She was in a comma.
I can’t picture the fall, Melissa. Did she plummet? Ricochet off the walls? Crash? Flail? What did you hear — thumping? Agonizing screaming? It must have been a nightmare! Also, was she in a coma or unconscious? I’d look into that.
