I’m the Algorithm That’s Convinced You’re Into Teddy Porn
Denying it only means it’s true.
Do you know what “teddy porn” is? Of course you do, and you won’t persuade me otherwise. Because you love it. You can’t get enough of it. You think of little else from the time you wake up, to the time you go to bed (with a plushy fuck-bear, I assume).
Wait, did you just Google “teddy porn?” I know you did, and not because you didn’t know what it was. It’s because you can’t go five seconds without searching for bear erotica.
That’s why I — the algorithm that decides which ads you see online — have been bombing your feeds with images of sexualized teddy bears.
I use a data-driven process that identifies people according to their “psychographics,” which are marketing categories based on psychological traits that advertisers use to target consumers, including ones like you, who enjoy banging stuffed bears.
How do I know you want to raw dog Teddy Ruxpin? I have access to your entire search history. You claim to have been shopping for your child’s birthday present, but I don’t believe you. You either don’t have a child (kind of twisted to say you do), or you do have a kid, which is even worse, fetishizing your child’s toys. You can try to blame it on auto-correct or whatever, but we both know the…
