I’m The Chief Mindfulness Officer At A Company That Makes Brass Knuckles

The goal is to achieve that perfect flow state where you’re both present in the moment and perfectly positioned to knock someone’s teeth out

Image created in Canva by the author

Look, in today’s wellness-obsessed corporate world, every company needs a Chief Mindfulness Officer. Even one that manufactures artisanal brass knuckles for the discerning street fighter. Because nothing says ‘workplace zen’ quite like precision-engineered face reconstruction tools.

The challenges are unique. Try leading a meditation session while Tommy “The Thumb Breaker” from Product Development test-punches a mannequin in the next room. Nothing disrupts your zen quite like the rhythmic thwack of synthetic jaw bones cracking.

I’ve had to adapt our wellness initiatives to fit the company culture. Our morning affirmations include “I am worthy of causing grievous bodily harm” and “My violence is valid.” The Buddhist singing bowls we use are actually just dented brass knuckle prototypes — they make a surprisingly soothing ding when struck with proper form.

Our most popular program is “Mindful Mayhem Mondays.” Employees practice throwing hands while focusing on their breath work. The goal is to achieve that perfect…