I’m The Office Oversharer And We’re Going To Be Best Friends
You weren’t doing anything important, right? Good!
Let me be the first to welcome you to the office! There are muffins in the break room. I would split one with you, but if I ate so much as one molecule of gluten, I’d be shitting like Mt. Vesuvius.
You’re going to love working here. We’re just like a family. Better than a family, really. I haven’t spoken to my sister in eight years, that pious bitch. Hey, let’s go show you the break room and get you a banana nut muffin!
There’s a nice big fridge in here if you like to bring your lunch. Sometimes I eat Neil’s lunch, but don’t tell anyone. He owes me though. We made out at the Christmas party last year.
So they hired you to be an accountant manager, huh? That’s nice. I applied for that job once. Didn’t get it because your new boss is threatened by my good looks. I’ve been working out like crazy this year. Feel my calf muscle. Feel it. No, really, feel it. Sorry my legs are so prickly, I dulled up my razor getting ready for a Tinder date and haven’t changed out the blade yet. No second date, but I did catch crabs again, go figure.
That reminds me, did you enroll in the health benefits yet? Our benefits are tricky. I broke my leg tripping on my own tiger tail at…
