I’m The Regular Oat In Lucky Charms And I’m Gonna Help You Change Your Life
While the marshmallow pieces were at the end of the rainbow, I was at the end of my rope.
Gooooood morning, CerealCon 2025! My name is Dr. Oat Piece, a published author, motivational speaker, and go-getter. And I’m here to help YOU take control of your crunch, your flavor, and your life! In this dog-eat-dog cereal world, you’re never going to be everyone’s favorite bowl of cereal, but you can be YOUR favorite bowl of cereal!
I was just like all of you once: sad, depressed, down on my luck, and had no sense of worth. That was before I became Dr. Oat Piece, when I was…just an oat. Specifically, you might recognize me as the regular piece of cereal in a box of Lucky Charms. The normie. The filler. The non-special, non-marshmallow, stale piece of shit that people eat around. Soggy, drowning in a pool of milk, left to die in the garbage disposal. While the marshmallow pieces were at the end of the rainbow, I was at the end of my rope. That is, until I had my wake-up call. I was spending time as I usually did, suffocating in the cereal bag, my jealousy for the marshmallow pieces coursing through my vitamins and minerals. Until — I heard it. In the distance. Ladies and gentlemen, it was the soft, pulsing, inspirational tune of the 2015 hit “Love Myself,” by the very talented and might I say gorgeous Hailee Steinfeld.
Folks, at that moment in time, I did not love myself. In fact, I hated myself. There were hundreds others just like me in every bag so I didn’t feel unique or special. Kids and 45-year-old men who haven’t eaten a vegetable in a decade were routinely grabbing for the marshmallows around me with their grubby hands. But that day, I really heard those poignant lyrics, “Gonna love myself, no, I don’t need anybody else (Hey) / Gonna love myself, no, I don’t need anybody else (I love me) / Can’t help myself, no, I don’t need anybody else / Anytime that I like / I love me.” Something crunched in me. If rugrats and divorced men alike didn’t love me, I could love myself. I started journaling. I artificial flavored my hair. I went backpacking across a Whole Foods and entered illicit affairs with Honey Comb, Fruity Pebbles, and I even experimented with Cap’n Crunch–all of those rendezvouses leaving my body electric and soggy. I found my worth.
Since then, I’ve reinvented myself without the help of food scientists–I wasn’t mass-produced with a silver spoon in my mouth! I had to work for it. I went full organic, but here’s the thing. I’m not above you, I’m just a fellow comrade with an $100,000 speaking fee and a dream. That’s why I’ve chosen to embrace “My Role in the Bowl” — in fact, that’s the name of my #1 best-selling memoir, now available on Amazon. When the lonely man separates me from the rest of the charms, I’m not alone. Say it with me everybody: “I’m simply self-sufficient and I’m not going to let someone with a receding hairline define my own self-worth. I’ve embraced my role as an outlier and believe it or not, the expert in and outside the bowl.” Come see me at my merch table after my session to get that quote on specialty T-shirts and tote bags.
Now, I want to do a little exercise with you all, what I like to call Bowl Play. Its aim is to better connect with our fellow oats, while recognizing each of our individuality and what we bring to the breakfast table. So everyone, look to the oat on your left. And I want you to say, “You can not put an expiration date on my self-worth. I see the nutrition in you just as I see the nutrition in myself. You ARE the toy in the box of cereal.”
Wasn’t that fun everybody? Love myself and I don’t need anybody else! Hey!
But the best part is that I’m not just helping myself anymore. Friends, I’ve reached across the cereal aisle and beyond to help others who were in my shoes. Since those early days, I’ve been mentoring and coaching “The Untouchables.” These are your candy corns, non-blue Scooby Doo gummies, and even the red Starburst. I can’t make the world love them. But what can I do? Make them love themselves and know that they deserve to be in the bag they came in. I look out in this crowd and know that some of you feel like a red Starburst. But when I’m done with you, I’ll have you feeling like a pink one.
You’ve all been such a magically delicious crowd, I wish we could all just get together in one bowl and have a pantry party. But if you’ve soaked up all the information, then you know the next step. Open up your heart, mind, and most importantly your wallets and buy my one-on-one coaching “Think Outside The Cereal Box” sessions. Each session starts at the low-price of $5,000 and goes up based on how much I let you talk. See you in the cereal aisle.
