I’m Your Enigmatic Vegan Co-Worker, And I’m Here To Guide You In Your Quest To Master The Non-Dairy Arts
Take a journey with me down the path of enlightenment.
Behold! It is I, your cooler, wiser, and therefore obviously vegan co-worker. I am here to assist you in your quest for non-dairy alternatives to your formerly beloved dairy products. Get ready for your meals to be 50% less satisfying in flavor and 100% more unpleasant in texture!
You have heard me boast about my triumphs in veganism before, for we have a small office and such auspicious news travels fast. Though you had shown little interest up until today, I always knew there was something special about you. And now, after you’ve approached me with your question about the morsel known as coconut yogurt, it has become clear: you are the Chosen One, and I am destined to lead you on the epic quest which lies ahead.
Follow me to the land of vegan ice cream, featuring shards of ice, mountains of salt, and an all-consuming void that represents a complete and utter lack of creaminess. There you will face the two-headed dragon, and you must choose which foe you will face: buy the lesser vegan ice cream at the store, or take on the burden of making your own at home — and face the potentially perilous consequences. The choice is yours…
