I’m A Beloved Movie From Your Childhood, And I’ll Make Your Kids Wonder What The Hell Was Going On Back Then
If you liked that other one with the dancing scarecrow, you’ll love this bit I’ve got with the electroshock therapy and severed heads.
Hey bud, it’s been a minute! We used to have fun, you and me, back in the “Be kind, rewind” days, remember? Now look at you, all grown up, and sharing me with your own kids!
Look, I’m rated PG, so this is going to be fine. You know, back in our day, the rating system went “Certainly,” “Why not,” and “Restricted.” We didn’t need anything in between.
Just listen to that saxophone in my opening credits! They go on for a while, sure, but remember, reading is fundamental!
Shhh, it’s the monologue about her dad dressing as Santa and dying inside their chimney on Christmas. Your kids are going to get such a kick out of that!
Of course “penis breath” is a valid insult from a ten-year-old child. Don’t kids say that to each other all the time? (Anyway, yours will be now.)
Look! The genie is doing a bit from Taxi Driver. Take a moment to explain the context to your kids.
What do you mean you didn’t remember the palpable sexual tension between a middle-aged rock icon and a fourteen-year-old girl? That is literally my entire plot.
What if I told you I could, instead, be about a twelve-year-old boy in an altered body sleeping with adult women?
Or a time-traveling teen boy whose mom attempts to seduce him?
See, “family-friendly” is relative.
Okay, so if you liked that other one with the dancing scarecrow, you’ll love this bit I’ve got with the electroshock therapy and screaming severed heads.
You forgot about the robot doing a Pee-wee Herman voice for half the film, right? Your kids won’t, you know. Just listen to them go! This is your life now.
Oh, come on, your kids are acting like they’ve never seen a horse slowly drown on film before. Look, it’s like Chekhov said: if there’s a beloved pet in Act One, by Act Two, it’s got to die. That’s just good plotting.
What’s this about “ethnic stereotypes”? That character’s name sounds like something rude in English! It’s hilarious, and never ever gets old.
Now that genie is doing a William F. Buckley impression. The kids love that!
Blinking green cursors! Computer-animated grids! Neon blue lines! Imagine living in a future where we could interface with the computer-world and have some real cyber fun!
See, the gag here is that it’s a man trying to do mom things. Cooking and cleaning and caring for children! Ha! Only a mom can do those things.
I don’t even know what you thought you were watching before if you didn’t realize I was an allegory of nineteenth-century xenophobia, anti-semitism and governmental corruption with singing mice.
And now the genie’s acting like he’s on the Arsenio Hall Show! Truly timeless. Come on, kids, let’s bring that cheer back!
Well yes, technically, that is a reference to the mom using a vibrator, but that whizzed right over your head as a kid, so they probably won’t even — oh, they’re asking you what that meant! I consider this a valuable educational opportunity.
Wait, here’s the part where the guy’s face melts off! Get your kids to stop screaming or they’ll miss it.
And finally, a Peabo Bryson theme song pop remix for the end credits! There is literally no other way to end a film.
