I’m Your New FluffyScruffy And I Want You To Love Me!
Congrats on your recent purchase of a FluffyScruffy mystery ball. Your FluffyScruffy was abandoned and needs a loving family to feed and care for it. But what have you adopted? A cat? A puppy? A bunny? It’s a surprise! Figuring out what the hell you just bought is part of the fun. To discover your new pet, follow these simple steps:
First, unwrap the Thousand-Layers-of-Plastic by finding the starting arrow. Begin pulling the plastic. Continue pulling, carefully unwinding the plastic. Keep going. No, don’t stop yet. Keep going. More. A little more. Ok, almost there. Nope, keeping peeling. Collect the plastic in a large bin. But don’t throw it away. We’ll need it for something special later!
You should now have reached a layer of harder, clear plastic. Now go get an adult and a very sharp knife. We are going to do some cutting! Firmly slice through the first layer and then start peeling again. Keep peeling. Peel until your fingers bleed. You will eventually come to a hard, green plastic egg. Smash the egg vigorously against a hard surface. Continue smashing until the plastic egg begins to crack and the wounds on your hand reopen. Now find a hammer to finish the job.
Remove your matted and balled-up FluffyScruffy from the egg, being careful not to touch the razor-sharp shards of plastic. Now it’s time for a cleaning! Run a very hot bath. Plunge your FluffyScruffy repeatedly into the water. Listen for the squeaks and yelps. Your animal is coming alive! Soon you will begin to see more parts of your FluffyScruffy, perhaps an ear or a leg.
Now take your FluffyScruffy to the microwave. Cook in a microwave-safe dish on high for 30 minutes. Watch it squirm. Your FluffyScruffy is just so happy to have found a loving home! Remove gingerly. You should start to see cracks on its outside layer. Begin peeling the layers, exposing the raw innards. Carefully dispose of the slick, viscous liquid that oozes out. Save this liquid.
Dry your new ball of FluffyScruffy with a towel and set the oven to 350 degrees. When the oven is hot, place your FluffyScruffy on a baking dish and roast for 2 hours, turning every 10 minutes so that you get a nice color all around. The doll is ready when you hear a low gurgling sound and see blood leaking from its large sparkly, soulless eyes.
Let it cool for 2–3 hours. You should start to see something recognizable. Does it have a tail? Congrats! You may have a dog. Or a cat. Or a sloth. Or a rat. Or you may have one of our rare and terrifying hybrids like a slothdog or a ratcat. But don’t get too excited, there is still so much more to do!
Collect all the pieces of plastic, egg, skin, and liquid. Build a bonfire and burn the collected materials. Be sure to wear the included mask. It will smell terrible and produce a toxic cloud of smoke. But don’t worry, your new FluffyScruffy is almost ready to be born!
Now grab that parent again because this next step is tricky. Lay out a circle of candles. Draw a pentagram in the center of table. Holding hands with your friends and parents, call out to Satan to raise your unholy FluffyScruffy to life. As the smell of sulphur fills the room, your creature will glow scarlet, retching and vibrating with the awesome terror of the damned. What do you see? Tails? Tentacles? You are nearly ready to welcome your FluffyScruffy into your loving family!
After concluding these terrible rites, turn the lights on and hug the newest member of your family. Remember to groom and bath it regularly. To keep it happy and stave off its murderous tendencies, feed it regularly with rodents, insects and the blood of a ritually sacrificed goats. Now don’t be shy — give your FluffyScruffy the biggest hug you can. Welcome to the family!
Follow Slackjaw on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and get our best stories once a month by email.
