Imagined Tiny Desk Concerts

Visions of the close-quarters performances at NPR Music that never were.

Megan McMurtry

Published in

Slackjaw

4 min readDec 7, 2019

Frank Sinatra

Frank insists on smoking inside, despite repeated requests not to. During the piano solo on “My Way” he asks newscaster Lakshmi Singh if she’d like to be a hooker for the night. As he sings the last note, the smoke alarm goes off and all NPR employees calmly exit the building single file. With everyone gone, Sinatra and friend Al Capone turn the NPR Music office into a speakeasy where the password is “a word from our sponsor.”

Rolling Stones

During “Gimme Shelter” Keith Richards mistakenly snorts the contents of NPR panelist Glen Weldon’s probiotic supplements. When Glen tries to alert Keith Richards to the mistake, a Hell’s Angel appears and stabs Glen. He survives and upon his return to work, Glen receives a gift from Richards of fake probiotics filled with premium cocaine. Glen discusses the incident on the “What’s Making Me Happy” segment on Pop Culture Happy Hour.

Pussy Riot

Before the band plays a single note, Russian police roll out from behind the Tiny Desk and arrest everyone in the room. Pussy Riot escapes out the window unscathed, but NPR is shut down for three days. Mistaken for a member of the band due to her knit cap, Nina Totenberg is kidnapped by the Russians. She reports live from the back of a windowless van, for which she wins a Pulitzer.

Bob Dylan

Without speaking a word, Bob pulls out his guitar and starts strumming a new song. The room is captivated. Then Dylan starts singing and he’s completely unintelligible. Bob’s manager quietly explains that Bob is fatigued from the weight of his new fedora, and therefore cannot enunciate to save what little oral strength he has for smoking cigarettes. NPR does their best to put subtitles on the video. Pitchfork calls it one of the greatest performances in American music history.

Rihanna

Bringing not a band but some of her “fav bitches”, Rihanna plays the entirety of ANTI from her iPhone while hotboxing the room and doing a Fenty Beauty tutorial on All Things Considered’s Audie Cornish. Rihanna never sings and everyone has a great time.

KISS

Band arrives without makeup, does not make it past security.

Elaine Stritch

In the middle of “I’m Still Here,” Stritch looks dead at Hanna Baker and says “Invisibilia? Do you think that’s a word? I wouldn’t listen to that shit for a minute.” After a long unprompted glare at Dave Davies, Stritch reminisces on saying “fuck” on The Today Show in 2014, and then insists on doing 17 takes of “Ladies Who Lunch” while Stephen Sondheim sighs in the corner.

Mariah Carey

Clad in a crystal evening gown and fingerless silk gloves, Mariah Carey and crew roll in three hours late, citing a misunderstanding that DC was on Mountain Time. As the pianist starts playing “We Belong Together,” Mariah shares that she last sang this song for her “good friend, Muammar Gaddafi.” Mariah’s assistant shakes her head frantically, shout-whispering a correction to her boss. “Oh no wait,” Mariah says, “I actually last performed this song in Saudi Arabia. Rest in peace, Muammar!” The room awkwardly murmurs while Mariah’s background dancers pick her up and set her down at random intervals.

Migos

Rather than performing any of their hit songs, Migos surprises everyone and ad-libs over David Greene’s live NPR National newscast.

David Greene: “News from the White House-”

Offset: “WHITEHOUSE!”

David Greene: “…the President plans to veto-”

Quavo: “VETO BABY!”

David Greene: “…the latest bill-”

Takeoff: “SKRRRRT!”

NPR issues an apology to listeners, and everyone at NPR Music receives a wad of cash from Migos. Three days later, David Greene and Migos appear on The Tonight Show and perform the song with Jimmy Fallon and The Roots, which gets 13 million views on YouTube.

Ozzy Osbourne

After a so-so rendition of “Crazy Train,” the bassist adjusts his strings while Ozzy casually picks up Bob Jr, NPR Music’s beloved office gerbil, and bites his head off. The room goes into a panic. Cokie Roberts vomits, Steve Inskeep cries, Mara Liasson pulls the fire alarm to clear the room. In an exclusive interview with Inskeep, Ozzy apologies, saying, “well I’ve already bitten off the head of a bat and a dove, so it was a rule of threes thing, and I’m not getting any younger.”