Increasingly Strained Attempts To Desexualize An OkCupid Conversation

Defeating the dick hydra

Graphic by Ella Gale

Hey sexii

Hey Bob! Cool photo of you diving in a kelp forest. I’m trying to find a date to my cousin’s wedding next weekend and she’s always trying to get me into SCUBA.

I’m great at diving and I can hold my breath for a loooong time.

That’s really cool! Is that something you have to practice? I thought about taking up surfing this summer, and apparently a lot of surfers take breath holding classes. “Expert breath holder” would be such a weird job. Apparently when you submerge your face in cold water your body turns on all these automatic physiological processes that help prevent drowning.

I would drown in u

Have you ever read The Perfect Storm? It describes what it would be like to drown so vividly. Crazy. It was kind of intense, so I’ve switched to reading a Terry Pratchett book about wizards as a palate cleanser.

Wanna see my wand?

You know the concept of magic wands was first described by Homer in the Iliad and Odyssey. The god Hermes used a rabdos, or rod, to put people to sleep.

I’ll tire u out with my rod