Instead Of A Traditional Wedding Registry, We’re Asking You To Take Turns Watering Our Plants
Welcome friends and family, and thanks for visiting our registry! As you know, Jordan and I moved into our dream chateau last fall. We’re all set for furnishings, and since Jordan’s parents have very generously offered to gift us our entire honeymoon in Cape Town, the usual registry options just didn’t make sense for us.
So instead of a traditional wedding registry, we’re asking you to take turns watering our plants for us while we’re away.
If you follow Jordan on TikTok, you’re probably aware that we are proud plant parents to an assortment of vines, succulents, nightshades, and one particularly temperamental fiddle-leaf fig tree.
It’s a lot of work caring for them all in our 5,000 square foot LEED-certified smart home, but it’s so fulfilling and we’re going to miss them like crazy while we’re in Cape Town!
That said, Jordan and I both strongly believe that you can’t really get to know a place until you’ve experienced the ins and outs of daily life there. Luckily we are both digital nomads. So after 10 days of hopping honeymoon suites, cliff diving, and touring every one of Nelson Mandela’s favorite vegetable gardens, we’ll be getting back to business — right there on the beach—for one full year.
That’s where you come in.
We know it’s asking a lot for you to come over and take care of our plants, since most of you don’t live anywhere near the Bay Area. Especially if you’re also planning to attend our midnight wedding ceremony on the second largest sandbar in the South China Sea. We appreciate you!
Here are just a few things to keep in mind when it’s your turn to water the plants.
As mentioned, the fiddle-leaf fig is fussy. It doesn’t like drafts, wet soil, dry soil, sun, shade, EDM music, Barbara Stanwyck movies, or spoken French. Sung is fine. If you have any Johnny Hallyday on vinyl that would be great!
The philodendron, on the other hand, is very easy to care for. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to reach. You’ll have to set up a folding ladder on the eighth and ninth steps of our Bjarke Ingels-designed steel floating staircase, then put a stool on top of the ladder, and an upside-down flower pot on top of the stool. Then climb on top of the upside-down flower pot and stand facing westward while shifting your torso to the right. If you’re under 5’10, or have a weak anterior core, you’ll need to use the tiny watering can with the really long spout. That watering can doesn’t hold much water though, so you’ll have to repeat this four times.
Unless you’ve selected a time slot that falls on the third Thursday of a month with a “u” in it, please please please do not water the succulents. Just don’t.
For some reason, a family of bees has become very protective of our Nelson Mandela-inspired vegetable garden. So before you go in to water it, I recommend announcing your presence by submissively lying face down in the grass and allowing the bees to sniff your gardening gloves.
Please bear in mind that they will sting repeatedly any of your exposed skin if your gardening gloves upset them, so you might want to invest in a beekeeping suit just to be safe. Once you’ve earned their trust, help yourself to a bell pepper!
Oh and don’t worry about the cats. Our housekeeper is taking care of them.
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