Instead Of Presents, Please Help Me Find My Birth Parents
You’re all invited to my 23rd birthday party, but I can’t stress this enough: I don’t want presents. Please don’t bring me any gifts whatsoever! I feel we have become too materialistic as a society, and I want to stop this trend. Instead of presents, I ask the people coming to my party to work together as a group to find my birth parents — a simple request.
I was abandoned when I was two years old in the ball pit of a Chuck E. Cheese. That is why I will be having my birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. The idea is that I will submerge myself beneath the sea of orange, blue, and yellow orbs, emerging to see my biological parents standing there with open arms and handfuls of tokens.
I have reserved several tables at the local Chuck E. Cheese. Please join me in a day of arcade games, pizza, and, hopefully, a heartfelt reunion. Since I am not asking for presents, and because finding my birth parents won’t be that hard or expensive, I will not be providing game tokens. Be prepared to purchase your own tokens if you want to get next on the immersive Jurassic Park arcade shooter game. But if you don’t want to play games, you can still have a good time watching me and my reunited parents play the immersive Jurassic Park arcade shooter game.
Here is some information that will make finding my parents super easy:
I don’t know either or my parent’s names (my adoptive parents won’t tell me). I used to refer to them as Mama and Dadda.
I have a picture of my father taken in May 1999. My father was wearing a black Metallica t-shirt on top of a black, long sleeve Metallica t-shirt.
I have blue eyes, so it stands to reason that one, both, or neither of my parents have blue eyes.
If you guys are having trouble, maybe hire like a private investigator or something.
Whoever gets a hold of my Mom and Dad, let them know I haven’t brought a cake. So if they could pick up a funfetti cake with cheese cream frosting that says “I Love You,” and then goes on to explain where they’ve been for the last 20 years, that would be great.
I can’t explain how selfless it feels to reject gifts this year, which is why on your next birthday, I will not be getting you a present. Instead, I will be spending the money on a walking tour of Boston for my parents and me.
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